Thursday, June 23, 2005

Jesus, don't the KPTV "news" team people EVER get tired of the "interrupt the Top Story with 'Breaking News'" gag? Well, apparently not, because they broke it out yet again tonight.

Breaking News: A plane crashed at Yamhill; at least 3 people were injured. A reporter is "on the way."

Back to our Top Story: a 16 year-old student was stabbed near Ft. Vancouver High School in Vancouver, Washington. Yeah, that's a story, but since it happened Wednesday morning, is it really a Top Story? Nothing else happened in the 36+ hours since? The victim is OK, but the question is raised of whether a gang was involved or not. Scare tactic? Looks like it to me.

This story was notable for one thing though. I've wondered many times about how they so often manage to get people to utter something along the lines of "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" when they're interviewed about a crime in their vicinity. I've suspected that they somehow lead the people into the comment.

Well, for whatever reason, in the course of this story, we got to hear the off-camera interviewer (probably not one of the KPTV "reporters" but an intern or camera operator) asking a child who goes to the school where the stabbing happened "Do you expect that around here?" Ah, the cat's out of the bag! As I suspected, they do lead their men-on-the-street into making the "You don't expect that..." comments. I love it when I'm right!

This may seem somewhat inconsequential, but I think there's an important point to be made here. The thrust of the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show is to frighten the viewer; they want you to think that terrible, violent crime is occurring all around you, every minute of every day. The purpose of leading people into making a "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" comment is to "prove" to the viewer in a subtle way that offensive, intrusive crime can happen to you, even if you think you live in a safe area. If you're looking for an "agenda" in the news, this is the perfect example of one. It's sleazy and manipulative and it should stop immediately.

There was a deadly shooting in Milwaukie; the victim was Jason Gaddis, the father of Miranda Gaddis, one of the two girls who were murdered by Ward Weaver about two years ago. This is a seriously troubled family, I'd say.

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight featured a very odd police sketch of a person who looked vaguely like Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka. Is he wanted for abuse of Veruca Salt? Oh, we got a twofer of Most Wanteds. Anita Meyers is a sex offender who has moved without notifying her parole officer. Bad Miranda, bad.

Ray Gresham broke into a home after he crashed his car across the street while being chased by the cops. The lady of the house (who we saw in silhouette) told Ray that she was pregnant and asked him not to hurt her. He hid in the house for a while but obeyed her request. Aww, the guy has a heart of gold! Anyway, he got taken away eventually, but isn't it nice that he has a city named after him?

Teacher Robert Peck allegedly had oral sex with a student. At a school for the blind! He told the student it was a new kind of Braille. OK, I made that last part up.

An "explosive device" was found at a Washington rest area. They showed a picture of the thing which looked like a toy hand grenade to me. Damned if I wasn't right again! It was a toy hand grenade, albeit one with a firecracker inside it.

There was a heroin bust in Longview.

There was also a meth bust in Longview. Why, Longview, why? Why must you hurt?

The Oregon legislature is debating a proposed law that would require a prescription to obtain medicine containing pseudoephedrine. My prediction: if passed, this law does nothing to curb the meth problem but does increase the number of people one sees walking around with runny noses.

Break.

The autopsy for the teen boy who was found dead in a pond in a Salem park hasn't been released yet. We got to hear the 911 call by the woman who found the body, though. Like that was necessary.

The father of the baby who was abandoned at a church the other day is under arrest. It sounded as if he legitimately might not have known that his girlfriend/wife/baby's momma walked away from the boy. This story was brought to us by our old friend "KPTV's Keli Mcalister" (who still looks far more Asian than Celtic).

Some wacky-looking lady in Yamhill (apparently the new Small Town Crime Capital of America) was sentenced for animal neglect.

A man in Kelso was arrested for allegedly stealing and reselling gasoline. He had big-ass tanks in his vehicle that he'd allegedly fill up using a stolen credit card.

A bill allowing gay unions was passed by the state legislature. This will almost certainly be challenged by conservative groups.

Vista House which overlooks the Columbia Gorge has reopened to the public. I'm sure it has some historical importance, of which I am blissfully unaware. It's kind of round and on the top of a hill, though.

A scientist has invented non-toxic wood glue. This story was touted as having some connection to the Oregon coast because the glue is based somehow on the way mussels attach themselves to rocks. O-kay.

Fight For Iraq

*A suicide bomber in Tikrit (Saddam's hometown) is going to get to meet Allah. Unfortunately, he took a few other people along with him.

*An oil pipeline was blown up.

*The Prime Minister of Somewhereistan met with Vice-President Cheney in Washington, D.C. He's set to meet with Bush next.

Break.

Dirty Dining

Yeah, it's Thursday so we get the recurring Dirty Dining segment. Steve Stanich, owner of former Dirty Dining "honoree" Stanich's West, got some face time to complain about the health department fining him for not having bleach automatically added to the water in his dishwashers. He says his staff added the bleach by hand but the heath inspector guy said that that isn't good enough and is in violation of the law. In your face, Steve Stanich! I'm guessing that the backstory here is that Stanich (or his lawyer) complained about being featured on the Dirty Dining segment and this was the station's way of making nice-nice with him. Just a guess, however.

Break.

Next, we were reminded that the Fourth of July is coming up. We should only buy fireworks from an approved fireworks stand in Oregon. Screw that! Only the wimpy, no kaboom, stuff is legal in Oregon. Real men want stuff that blows up good!

Western Wildfires: Gee, with a title like that, you'd think that the fires were in downtown Portland or something. Well, no. The story--brought to us by "KPTV's Nicole Frites" who apparently is under the misapprehension that she works for a CBS affiliate, judging from the polo shirt she wore with "News 5" and a CBS eye logo on it--came to us live from Cave Creek, Arizona.

Speaking of wildfires, there are some in the Golden State too. 3000 acres and 6 homes have been destroyed so far by the Paradise Fire.

Weather. Break.

And now the moment I have my wife keep my feeding tube in, The Final Cut.

*A shooting was Caught On Tape at a gas station in Michigan!

*Were the police too rough in a car stop in North Carolina? One of the cops kicked the alleged perpetrator four times.

*That clown who hit the convenience store worker with a fire extinguisher in the course of a robbery in North Carolina was arrested.

*Some clever crooks put a fake deposit box by an ATM they disabled in a mall in Natick, Massachusetts.

*3 young boys are missing in Camden, New Jersey (which, we were told, is sometimes referred to as "America's Most Dangerous City." Funny, I don't remember seeing that on the "Welcome to Camden" signs.)

*Speaking of missing white people (the only kind that gets any attention in the world of TV news), the father of one of the suspects in the Natalee Holloway case has been arrested. Aruban officials aren't saying why they've arrested him.

*"Rip," a trained search dog, has been sent to Aruba to help in the hunt for Natalee.

*A monkey was stolen in Miami, Florida.

*There's an invasion of mayflies in Peoria, Illinois.

*Some guy with strong floors turned in 10,000 POUNDS of pennies in Alabama.

*We learned about a device invented by a dentist that allegedly makes migraine headaches go away. It pumps cold water through hoses that press against the gums above the upper molars which is where a nerve responsible for causing migraines is located. It may be effective but it looked a little unwieldy.

*A new, faster cell phone service is now in operation in the Portland area.

Uh oh, Breaking News again. Lifeflight has been dispatched to the scene of the plane crash in Yamhill. Still no sign of that reporter we've been told is on the way to the scene though. Stuck in traffic at 10:46 PM?

Meth Watch again. Jamie Wilson is in the KPTV "news" van for no apparent reason to tell us about a seminar some local landlords attended to teach them what to watch out for in relation to meth labs.

Hollywood Buzz

*Actor Chris Tucker was chased by the police as he drove his Bentley at 109 MPH back in April. The police video of the chase has just been released so we got to see it. Nothing too thrilling here--he pulled over, was handcuffed by the cop and taken away. This story, probably the longest in the entire "news" cast tonight, was brought to us by "KPTV's Erich Spivey." Didn't I say something yesterday about how the longest story in the show is almost invariably also the least important?

*Royal welfare cheat Prince William graduated from St. Andrew's College. The British stalkerazzi had a gentlemen's agreement not to harass William until after he got out of college, so you can expect to see a lot more about this drain on the British economy in the months ahead.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Senator Ted Kennedy called for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to resign.

*The Supreme Court ruled that municipalities can use eminent domain to take away your home for private commercial projects they consider to be "in the public interest."

*One of China’s largest state-controlled oil companies made a $18.5 billion unsolicited bid Thursday for Unocal, the first big takeover battle by a Chinese company for an American corporation.

*Presidential advisor Karl Rove implied in a speech that liberals enjoy it when American troops die in Iraq, setting off a firestorm of critical response.

You did get that breaking "stolen monkey" story and the video of Chris Tucker's high speed chase though, so quit your bitching!