Friday, June 24, 2005

The Wheel O' Mayhem called the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" just keeps a spinnin'.

Top Story: A woman named Jennifer (we saw only her shadow in this story) caught a Peeping Tom masturbating underneath her window in Southeast Portland. She chased him and he got away. Ok, honestly, this is the "top" (as in "most important") story of the day in Portland, a metropolitan area of millions of people? Really?

Harold Shoemaker, the suspect in the murder of Mr. Gaddis, the father of Miranda, the young girl who went missing a couple of years ago, entered a plea of not guilty in court on Friday. It seems Shoemaker and the victim were both involved with Lora Moyers who is in jail on "unrelated charges" (unspecified in the story). Oh, she's a looker, that Lora (who was "speaking out" as one of KPTV's favorite phrases goes). She fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down. But I digress.

The cops staged a prostitution sting in Northeast Salem. Apparently the area has been prone to hooking of late. Fortunately for the KPTV "news" team there is a school nearby to where the girls have been plying their trade--they just love to mention the proximity of a school in all crime stories. The "reporter" claimed to have found a syringe in the grass so that just PROVES that where there's prostitution, there's drugs. Did I mention that there was a SCHOOL nearby?

We got the names of the 3 people in the plane which crashed in Yamhill the other day. The pilot and 1 of the passengers has died; the other passenger is still alive.

The owner of the ranch which has the runway on which the plane crashed says it is dangerous. Um, wouldn't it be a good idea to shut it down, then? Just saying.

There is a memorial service planned for the teenage boy who died in the park in Salem the other day. Just an excuse to do another story about a dead kid, I say. "Danger, [insert your name in place of Will Robinson], danger!"

Meth Watch: 2 people were arrested in St. Helens. One of them is alleged to have been the source of something like 90% of the meth in the area. *sniff* Hmm, what's that? Ah, bullshit! My prediction: this guy goes in the stir and there is NO drop in the availability of meth.

Break.

Tsunami Ready: The small coastal town of Rockaway Beach, which depends heavily on tourism, has sirens ready to go in the event of a tsunami alert.

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight is Anita Meyers, sex offender. You know the drill: she's missing and they "just thought you should know." Someone thought they saw her with a skateboard. No kidding.

Would-be burglar Todd Graham was bitten by a canine (I refuse to type "K-9") officer. He was also beaten by his victim. Did Todd's horoscope say that he was going to have a bad day?

Thanks to a bond issue that didn't pass, Clackamas County has to reduce its jail space. Let the bitching begin!

Some numbnuts drove 120 MPH on I-5 and got caught anyway.

A 9-time DUII'er got caught (again) near Oregon City. Um, how many does it take before they revoke your license??

Speaking of DUII's, Rene Canas and Jordan Brisbin got busted for the same offense.

A woman fell off a cliff in a state park and died.

A man fell down Mt. Hood and died.

2 women went to jail for abusing a corpse. They didn't die.

Break.

Northwest Tonight

*A boy died at a scout camp near Boise, Idaho.

*A teenage boy died of an overdose of cough medicine in Bellingham, Washington. His parents are mad at the website that sold the stuff to him. Understandable, I guess, but maybe they should have been paying a little more attention to his activities.

Break.

Comcast is now offering so-called Voice Over IP phone service to its customers in Portland. It's a little different from the usual VOIP service because it uses a proprietary system rather than the Internet.

A second "mad cow" has been found in America. Officials say that there is no danger to the public, though, because this cow was a "downer" (a cow that couldn't walk) and therefore wasn't going to be in the food chain. Uh huh. That may explain THAT cow, but what about the next one?

Fire Season 2005: "KPTV's Adam Housley" gave us a story from Carefree, Arizona (rather misnamed right now) about the fires ravaging the area.

In a related story, wildfire sensors are being tested in California. They're solar-powered so they should be functional for decades to come.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut (incorporating News Across America)

*The 3 missing boys in Camden, New Jersey were found dead in the trunk of a car. Very sad.

*Young, attractive, white, blond woman Natalee Holloway is still missing in Aruba. A volunteer search team from Texas is heading there to help look for her. There are still no charges in the case.

*There were big explosions at a factory in St. Louis, Missouri. BIG explosions! No injuries, though.

*A guy trying to rob a story in Alabama was Caught On Tape. Whoop dee doo.

*A 79-year-old woman killed her 85-year-old boyfriend because he was keeping time with another woman. These old people today and their loose morals!

*A boy was attacked by a lion and tiger at the home of a friend of his dad's. The friend keeps exotic animals as pets. This happened in Minnesota.

*A woman allegedly locked her son in the basement of their home while she went out to protect him from the dogs which were in heat. The boy got out of the basement and the dogs mauled him. Oddly, the authorities took exception to that and charged her with a crime. Go figure.

World Tonight

*We saw video of a riot between "squatters" and cops in Mexico. The "squatters" were living in a nature preserve and the cops were making them move out. As you would expect, KPTV gave us no real context for this story; my guess is that these were very poor people who were "squatting" there because they have no other place to live.

*A leopard got a root canal in Kenya.

And that was everything that happened anywhere on planet Earth worth reporting on in the past 24 hours. It must be, right, otherwise they would have reported on it. OR it could just be the shit that there happens to be compelling video of available. You decide.

Meth Watch (didn't we do this already tonight?)

*Jamie Wilson was in the KPTV "news" van for this human interest story about one ex-junkie who is trying to help a friend who has relapsed back into meth use. You may think I'm skimming over the details of this story but I'm really not. That was about it--one young woman is trying to help another young woman.

"KPTV's Julie Vallese" brought us a story that looked a lot like promotion for the insurance industry. It was about new crash tests for cars and SUV's. Some industry shill was on camera to tell us about how inadequate bumpers cost insurance companies money. No mention was made of the injury to actual humans that inadequate bumpers might cause, just the money that insurance companies have to lay out. Screw 'em!

Hollywood Buzz

*Action movie star Jet Li was injured the other day in a movie fall.

*Christie's is going to auction off some of Marlon Brando's personal effects, including his copy of the Godfather script.

*Carrie What's Her Name, who won American Idol this season, has a new single out which has hit Number One on the charts. This story was on the "news," in my opinion, solely because American Idol airs on KPTV. It isn't news, not in an America still at war, for Chrissakes!

Speaking of that, did you notice that there was no Fight For Iraq or War On Terror segments tonight? They had time to tell you about a leopard who got a fucking root canal, but no time to talk about the ongoing war or the growing political divisions it is causing.

Oh, by the way, this piece of shit excuse for a "news" show is claiming that the Society of Professional Journalists has declared it the "Best Newscast in the Northwest." Are you kidding me?? A half-assed "news" show that reports on orthodonture for wild animals and ignores a WAR is the best we have? Shoot me now.

When I was a radio personality in the Allentown, Pennsylvania back in the 80's I was very impressed when I heard that a local car lot was a "Gold Medal Chevy Dealer," thinking that it was an award from General Motors signifying high standards. Then I found out that it was a promotional campaign available to any Chevy dealer with $50,000 to spend. Is the SPJ's "Best Newscast" award the same kind of deal? I'm starting to wonder.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

Tonight's sampling is brought to you by my wife, Chrissy, who shares my disgust with the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show.

AP - A suicide car bomber and gunmen ambushed a convoy carrying female U.S. Marines in Fallujah, killing two Marines and leaving another four American troops presumed dead, the military said Friday. At least one woman was killed and 11 of 13 wounded were female.

AP - The hardline Tehran mayor steamrolled over one of Iran's best-known statesman to win the presidency Saturday in a landslide election victory that cements conservative control over the nation's political leadership.

AP - An Italian judge on Friday ordered the arrests of 13 CIA officers for secretly transporting a Muslim preacher from Italy to Egypt as part of U.S. anti-terrorism efforts — a rare public objection to the practice by a close American ally.

AP - A suicide car bomber slammed into a U.S. convoy in Fallujah, killing two Marines, a Pentagon spokesman said Friday. Another four troops were listed as missing after the attack, pending positive identification, leaving open the possibility that they may also be dead.

AP - President Bush assured Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari on Friday "there are not going to be any timetables" for withdrawal of American forces and vowed victory over insurgents attempting to prevent establishment of a democratic government under a new constitution.

AP - The top American commander in the Persian Gulf told Congress on Thursday that the Iraqi insurgency has not grown weaker over the past six months, despite a claim by Vice President Dick Cheney that it was in its "last throes."

...Back to me. I have a prediction to make. Take a look at this: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/tfr/80690708.html
Now keep it in mind so you recognize it if and when you see it as a "news" story on KPTV.