Friday, August 26, 2005

Yippie Kay Ay!

Top Story. KPTV ran a special Meth Watch show from 9:30-10:00 tonight so it's kind of fitting that the "Top Story" tonight is about everyone's favorite debilitating narcotic, methamphetamine. OK, so they had to go with a story about a meth bust that actually happened earlier this week, but hey, artistic license, OK? According to Jamie Wilson, who was On The Scene, it took 5--count 'em, 5--police agencies AND a SWAT team to carry this one off. 2 homes in Salem were involved and 8 people arrested. They carted off a pound of meth and a bunch of guns. 2 kids were put into protective custody.

In the Rose City (Portland), 3 people were arrested, allegedly as part of an ID theft ring. The constabulary (I get tired of constantly typing "police") says they grabbed $20,000 worth of stuff in the course of their crime spree.

Lookie, it's Steve Stokke again! The guy who tried to use someone else's credit card at the Red Lion Inn and ended up in the river was in court on Friday. Assault with a soggy weapon?

Newberg was the scene of a road rage incident, according to David Wilson (and who am I to argue with David Wilson?) 99W goes from 4 lanes down to 2, OK? A guy was PO'd because he couldn't get around a log truck. He finally did, using a left turn lane as a passing lane. The truck driver thought he'd have a word with Speed Racer who turned out to have a gun on the seat next to him. Mr. Trucker, remembering that discretion is the better part of valor, got back in his truck. He called the local constabulary (!) and they grabbed Pistol Boy soon after.

Stuff went kaboom at a mall in Washington County around 10 AM. Someone called 911 and, when the police arrived, they found what looked like parts of a pipe bomb. That's why malls should never have Bed, Bath and Pipe Bombs as a tenant.

Hilary Hutcheson and her retro 'do were in Beaverton (KPTV's generic location for stories that don't have a specific site) for this one. Seems some folks have figured out a way to scam those can recycling machines outside every big supermarket in Oregon. Responsible broadcasters that they are, KPTV wouldn't tell us exactly how the scam works, but they did say that it involved a can and a coat hanger. You mean like attaching the latter to the former so you can "insert" the same can over and over? They managed to find a wacky-looking homeless (I assume) guy to be the "man on the street" (literally, in this case) for the story.

The driver who caused a fatal crash in Vancouver last Saturday is in jail, suspected of having been shitfaced at the time of the accident. Wouldn't this be a more entertaining world if there was an official charge of "being shitfaced"? Come on, wouldn't you love to see arrest photos with the word "shitfaced" across the arrestee's face? I would and that's what will happen when I rule the Earth.

The truck driver who accidentally crossed I-205 and screwed things up royally has been charged with homicide. His bail? $250,000.

So, the Portland Police Bureau canned a cop who was convicted of drunk driving. End of story, right? Nope. A mediator ruled that firing someone who carries a gun on their job and has a drinking problem is too harsh a punishment so he has been reinstated. Doesn't this kind of contradict that Operation Safe Streets thing?

An apartment fire in North Portland wiped out a unit and caused an estimated $150,000 in damage. Nice apartment, especially for North Portland, wouldn't you say?

Remember that big turbine that fell off a truck in the tunnel where I-205 meets I-84? It's still there, blocking most of the lanes. No hurry getting it out of there; it's not as if those are busy roads or anything. Know how we'd handle that in the Bronx? We'd walk away from the thing and scavengers would strip it bare within 24 hours. And you wonder why I sometimes get homesick?

Break.

Keri Tomlinson told us from the safe haven of News Control that the Oregon Air Base has been saved from the chopping block. Does no one find it bizarre that the Bush administration is eliminating military bases during a war??

Washington State man Shawn James shot his girlfriend in Spanaway. So says "KPTV's Darren Dedo." The girlfriend had a restraining order, but little things like that never stopped Shawn, a self-ruined man. Now that the girlfriend is dead, the neighbors were just full of woulda/coulda/shouldas about how the two were using meth and so forth. The couple's child wasn't hurt and James was caught not far from the scene.

As they have wiped out all other crime, the Medford police had the time to bust 3 head shops for allegedly selling pot and fake urine. Back in my day, the head shops sold REAL urine, damn it! Actually, the fake pee is for passing drug tests.

There's some kind of sand sculpture exhibition in Seattle this weekend. The story mentioned "professional sand sculptors." OK, how do you get THAT gig? What would your resume look like if you were a professional sand sculptor? What do you do on your vacation, hang out in an office? Questions, questions, questions.

The ironically-named Shakedown Festival was cancelled at the last minute, leaving holders of tickets that cost up to $100 also holding the proverbial bag. 30 bands were scheduled to perform and the promoters haven't explained why they cancelled or if ticketholders can get their money back.

The Hood to Coast Run/Walk/Heart Attack takes place this weekend, with a finish line in Seaside, Oregon. 17,000 white wine drinking, slightly-left-of-center, predominantly white people will participate in this nose-thumbing to the internal combustion engine.

Military jets will fly over Vancouver this weekend, frightening those who think the white streaks behind them are "chemtrails," as part of the celebration of the 60th anniversary of the end of World War II, A/K/A The Last War Most People Can Agree On.

Shauna Parsons was all ooohie and aahie over the image of a male "tortoise shell" cat, reputedly "one in a thousand" (whatever that means). It's up for adoption at a local animal shelter. Screw all those unattractive strays. Fend for yourselves, uggos.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

• Funny thing about that (3rd) deadline for the new Iraqi constitution. It came and went with nothing to show for it. Listen, if the Iraqi Provisional Authority asks me nice enough, I'll go to the nearest historical site's gift shop and buy them one of those "aged" copies of the American Constitution which they can then edit as needed. Once upon a time, I owned a 900 number on which a female friend of mine read the Preamble and Bill of Rights of the Constitution in a sexy voice. Yes, really. Click here (scroll down)
• General Richard Myers, the top American military commander in Iraq says that, although most of the American public now opposes the war, the troops' morale is still high.

Break.

Fire Season 2005

• The Deer Creek fire is such a major conflagration that Homeland Security has promised Oregon some Federal funding to fight it. Currently, 1000 fire fighters are dealing with it. It is 0% contained at this point.

Storm Team 12 (is that like the Fantastic Four?) showed up for work early to talk about Hurricane Katrina and how it will probably spend the weekend over the Gulf of Mexico before possibly hitting Florida's panhandle on Monday. Know what they didn't talk about? How they had said the other night that Katrina was losing steam. "KPTV's J.J. Ramberg" appeared via the magic of videotape to show us some storm porn of destroyed stuff and flooded streets in the Sunshine State.

Speaking of Florida, 1 million residents have no way to recharge their power wheelchairs and Rascal scooters since they have no electricity.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

• There was a big ol' fire and some explosions in a storage facility in Ft. Lauderdale.
• A pickup truck crashed into a store in St. Louis, Missouri.
• Police officers were officially cleared of charges in a Wal-Mart shooting in Texas.
• 3 sisters killed a man they suspect of having raped Sister Number Four in Maryland.
• Have you been jonesing for some Natalee Holloway news? Well, the authorities in Aruba have re-arrested two suspects in the case of her disappearance. All they'll say is that they have "new information."

America Tonight

• An accident in Wisconsin left 3 people dead.
• A Phoenix toddler is dead after drinking lighter fluid. You're supposed to cut that stuff with pineapple juice, aren't you?
• A big ol' passle o' bees was attracted to a basketball hoop in Tucson, Arizona. I think every game of basketball should include thousands of loose bees. Put the excitement back in the game, don't you think? Picture a grandstand filled with people in bee suits. Now THAT'S sports!
• How friggin' pathetic do you have to be to rob a convenience store with a FORK? As pathetic as the guy in Louisiana who did just that. He got caught, which is not surprising, since, as sure as Paper covers Rock, Police Revolver beats Fork everytime.
• 2 workers in New Hampshire found a bag filled with $33,000. If they had done the logical thing and kept the cash, while there would still be a story, it wouldn't be the same story because we wouldn't know that the money had been found by 2 workers, would we? No, these 2 Goody Two Shoes had to go be honest and turn the money in. Sheesh. What is this world coming to? The money fell off a Brink's truck, by the way.

World Tonight

A very large fire in an apartment complex in Paris killed 17 and injured 30. Le yikes!

A Turkish ship was on fire in the Black Sea. Many people have been rescued from the water.

British scientists are breeding South American frogs, having finally realized how incredibly boring the game of cricket is. OR they're doing it because the frogs are in danger of becoming extinct in their native land. You pick.

And now the kind of story the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show is best at: A smoking chimp. The chimp, who is a widow, is being weaned off cigarettes, which she smokes 7 or 8 of per day. It's a sad story. First, Bingo, her husband, died, then she lost her job at Fred Meyer. She has bronchitis and knows she shouldn't smoke but it helps settle her nerves. Actually, the chimp lives in China and her keepers are trying to use milk to get her off cigarettes. I like my version of the story better.

Meth Watch. Apparently, there can now be multiple Meth Watches per show. In a predictable reaction, the state of Idaho fears that the new Oregon law requiring prescriptions for cold meds containing pseudoephedrine will chase tweakers across the state line to Famous Potato Land. David Wilson made a return appearance near the KPTV "news" van to tell us that 80% of the Kootenai County jail's medical budget goes to dealing with meth addicts. Also, an Idaho retailers' association objects to the new law.

In Tucson, a school has phased out all textbooks for some classes, substituting computers instead. The lovely white computers they showed cost $800 per. Can you use "My dog ate my hard drive" as an excuse for not handing in work?

This just in: Girls in co-ed gym classes are more self-conscious than girls in non co-ed gym classes.

Starting next month, you'll be able to get one free copy of your credit report from the three major companies that keep 'em per year.

Hollywood Buzz

Some goofball was caught inside Jennifer Aniston's house in L.A. He just wanted to be Friends.

The SEC is investigating Pixar which reported lower-than-expected earnings which they blame on slow sales of The Incredibles DVD.

Sirius satellite radio will start airing their new Howard Stern channel next month, in anticipation of Stern's arrival in January--or sooner if a new FCC investigation into his show results in a fine. His current employer agreed to fire Stern if he got another fine.

The late Chris Farley was given his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I'll bet you didn't know that the people who receive stars there pay for them. Yes, really.

It wouldn't be an Official KPTV "news" show without them strapping on their special knee pads for American Idol. It was Day 2 of the Austin auditions for the inexplicably popular show.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

87% of the people polled say that they believe it is not unpatriotic to protest the war in Iraq.

Drug manufacturer Merck faces as many as 50,000 plaintiffs claiming that their now-discontinued medicine Vioxx caused them harm.