Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I'm back. Didja miss me?

Top Story. Hmm, I can't remember them ever kicking things off with Meth Watch before. Anyhoo, David Wilson was On The Scene in Salem to tell us about a toddler named Alaya [sp?] who apparently ingested some meth. I don't think that's a flavor in the Gerber line. The little tweaker is now in Salem Hospital. According to neighbors, Alaya's family suddenly disappeared. Yeah, I'll bet they did.

Speaking of meth, some Washington County sheriff's deputies brought an anti-meth slideshow to a local arcade, the better to entertain (and scare the living shit out of) some pre-teens.

A big accident on Highway 26 had the road shut down near Murray Blvd.

E.R. Danger. A hopped-up teenage girl (do they still use the term "hopped-up"?) named Holly Fredrikson [sp?] went nutzo on 3 nurses at the Longview St. John Hospital.

A bank in Tualatin was robbed about 2 PM on Tuesday. 2 men are sought in connection with the crime. In other words, they robbed the joint, got away and the cops are looking for them.

Fox 12's Most Wanted.

• The cops are looking for Humberto Conchola, but they aren't saying why.
• A white guy is sought in connection with an attempted rape. We got to see one of those cool police sketches of this weasel.
• Derrik Kirk was stopped for a traffic violation, but took off at high speed. The police assume this is indicative of criminal activity of some sort.

A Vancouver woman has had her home robbed twice in recent weeks. During the second incident, the 77-year-old victim actually caught the guy inside the house. Jamie Wilson was On The Scene for this story. We got the first "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment in some time in this piece. The classics are still the best, aren't they?

Thanks to a suspicious fire, a school in Marion County isn't expected to be ready to open for the new year.

A fire in Kalama the other day is believed to have been caused by the stove doing something or other. A not-good something or other.

Gang activity is suspected in the shooting out of the windows of 2 apartments in St. Johns. No injuries. How low-rent does a gang have to be to be based in St. Johns, Oregon? Is this like the Crips AA team or something?

Break.

Dee Baker is a living testament to the adage, "Black don't crack." She's a 48-year-old black woman who has a handicapped pass for her car. She parked in a handicapped spot the other day and got a $450 ticket from an enforcement agent who thought she was in her 20's or 30's and therefore couldn't possibly be the woman the pass was issued to. Now Baker has to go to court to get the ticket voided.

Josh Servin was arrested for selling meth across from a skate park recently. I love his "alibi": "Uh, that's OLD meth. I wasn't trying to sell it. I don't do that anymore." He says he's a changed man. That may be but in my opinion he needs to work on his bullshitting skills.

A fire that consumed a triplex in Lake Oswego is believed to have been started by a cigarette carelessly thrown into a pile of bark dust. Duh.

Some do-gooders with way too much time on their hands also got their hands on a speed gun and a readout board, thanks to the Tigard cops. They say people drive too fast through their neighborhood so they sit at the curb, pointing the gun at speeders. If the driver exceeds 35, they signal to their kids, sitting at the end of the block, who write down the license plate and info about the vehicle, which is then turned over to the cops. Welcome to Newmerica, where everyone rats everyone else out! Debra Gil gave us this story.

Some creepy SOB is alleged to have molested a young Castle Rock, Washington, girl back in April. So, why the delay? The girl just told her mom about it the other day.

Speaking of delays, 3 men are accused of involvement in a fatal stabbing back in March in Hillsboro.

Remember the racial attack outside a Gresham 7-11 the other day. 2 white guys have been arrested in connection with the crime.

Break.

Ecstasy use is way up in the Northwest, according to "KPTV's Dan Springer" who thinks he works for Fox News Channel. In Seattle, some dealers are getting as much as $20 for one pill. The cops say that a lot of the X (see, for a Straight Edge type, I know my dope terminology) comes across the border from Canada. Recently, a Canadian woman running for office in British Columbia was arrested for selling ecstasy. She said she was selling the stuff to pay for her campaign. See, the Canucks are WAY ahead of us when it comes to campaign finance reform!

Break.

War On Terror

• Remember Pat Tillman who turned down a lucrative NFL contract to fight in Iraq and subsequently got killed in action. Remember how the Pentagon first tried to say that he was killed by enemy fire, then had to backtrack when some of the other soldiers in his unit contradicted that story? Remember how his family was pissed off at the lie? Well, now the Pentagon says it will conduct a new review of the facts in his death.
• The New York City transit system has awarded a $212 million contract to Lockheed Martin to install 1000 cameras and 3000 motion detectors in the subways. I've said this before, but I'll repeat myself: I remember when I was a boy in school in New York City and the nuns taught me that one of the reasons the Soviet Union was EVIL was that it spied on its citizens--you know, like people are routinely spied on here today. So, are we now the NEW Evil Empire?

Some cruise line is offering free trips to military personnel and, presumably, their families. It's a nice gesture but I imagine that the cruise business is down at the moment and this is a way to fill up some of those empty cabins. Still, if I had a relative in the Army, I'd jump at this deal.

It's official: Pat Robertson is fucking nuts. On Monday's 700 Club show, he said that American agents should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the democratically-elected president of Venezuela. It would be cheaper than a war, you see. The fact that Chavez hasn't actually done anything to America seems to have escaped Robertson's notice. Chavez is kind of left-leaning and on Planet Cuckoo, that's enough of a reason to advocate death for him. The White House responded to Robertson by saying he had "gone too far." The State Department said the remarks were "inappropriate." Whoo, Robertson's gonna feel that wrist-slapping! I guess I didn't get the memo; we're down to NINE commandments now?

Pump Patrol. The average price for a gallon of gas in Oregon is now $2.64. In Portland, it's running $2.57 and in Vancouver, you're paying $2.61.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

• An inexplicable shooting in the parking lot of a Phoenix-area Wal-Mart killed 2 people. The shooters were caught in a nearby retirement community.
• A 3-year-old accidentally shot her sister in Miami. Sis is in critical condition.
• A huge flaming douchebag named Marcus Godwin admitted to a TV camera that he had committed murder. His head was sticking out of the window of a cop car when he decided to brag about his crime. Gee, wanna bet the videotape gets subpoenaed for his trial? This happened in North Carolina.
• Caught On Tape. 2 losers repeatedly ran over a pizza delivery man in a gas station in Michigan.
• Vandals were caught on tape not once, but twice, in Toledo, Ohio.
• A car with Connecticut plates was involved in a hit and run at 40th St. and Broadway in New York City. That isn't actually "in" Times Square as the promo for this story had it, but two short blocks south.
• A boat filled with escaping Cubans capsized near Miami, Florida. 3 people have been found and the Coast Guard is still looking for more.
• A 31-year-old man impersonated a teenager and molested at least 18 kids. Where? Dunno. Missed it. Sorry.
• 16 pigs escaped from a truck onto I-40 in North Carolina. 10 were hit by cars and killed. The truck driver says he doesn't know how they got out. I like to fantasize that they're all offspring of Arnold Ziffel from Green Acres and are therefore smart enough to pick the lock.
• Golly gee, KPTV is going all high-tech and stuff. If you go to their website, KPTV.com, you can use a new feature that lets you pick the stories you want to see, put them in the order you want to see them and watch them. David Frietas/Freitas was unchained from the KPTV "news" van and allowed inside the studio for this vital story. We even got to meet Seth Nickerson, KPTV.com webmaster. What they didn't tell you is that if you only have dialup internet access, you'd grow very old waiting for the stories to download and run.
• Cancer Warnings. Ovarian cancer patients report stomach problems twice as much as other people. This means something. What, I don't know, but it means something.
• Aspirin may prevent colon cancer but it also causes bleeding. SPOILER ALERT: It has been known for a long time that aspirin thins the blood which is why professional wrestlers take an aspirin before a match in which they are going to make themselves bleed. Thinner blood mixes with the sweat better and looks like more blood.
• Next up was a story about ADHD and kids. Turns out that 4-12% of kids have ADHD. We met an 11-year-old girl who has ADHD; her mom gets together with the school counselor every year and works out a plan to help her daughter.
• Then we got one of those stories that is a total friggin' waste of airtime. Cell Phone Bling. Just from those three words, you see my point, right? We were told that Paris Hilton paid $500,000 to cover her cell phone/Blackberry/whatever in diamonds. I doubt that; it sounds like something her publicist came up with to keep her name in the papers. Anyway, a company called TingBling will do your cellie in Swarovsky crystals for two Benjamins.
• Here's a reason to keep on living: American Idol judge Randy Jackson is getting his own talk show. Prediction: one season, tops.

Hollywood Buzz

• Is Britney Spears a bigamist? A British talk show host says he "married" Britney as a gag when she appeared on his show. Even though her bodyguards ripped up the certificate at the end of the show, the host says he is still legally married to her.
• There IS a God! Courtney Love, finalist in the 2005 Junkie of the Year contest, is NOT pregnant again.
• Halley Berry and Bruce Willis are going to make a movie that no one will see called Perfect Stranger.

Wayne Garcia ended the Final Cut right on time! Whoo!

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

• This is hilarious! Hugo Chavez, the president of Venezuela, in response to Pat Robertson advocating his death, offered to sell gas at half the current U.S. price to poor American communities. Check this out: Click here.

• From the AP: "Asking for increased vigilance in the wake of the London bombings, the government is warning that terrorists may pose as vagrants to conduct surveillance of buildings and mass transit stations to plot future attacks." Ever notice that the government never warns us about affluent-looking white guys? If you're a terrorist, the absolute best way you can alude detection is to buy yourself a nice suit and briefcase and hang around Wall Street.
• Police are searching for singer Olivia Newton-John's boyfriend who went missing the other day but they say they are no closer to solving the case than they were days ago.