Thursday, August 25, 2005

Hokey smokes, Bullwinkle!

Top Story. Home Invasion Spree. Ah, Ye Olde "Home Invasion" is back. Some guy "invaded" 4 homes in Gladstone while the residents were home. Brave or just really, really high? You make the call. I enjoyed the testimony of 1 of the victims who, as it turns out, lives in the basement of his mother's house and chased off the burglar with a wooden sword. If this guy's walls aren't covered with Star Wars posters, I don't have more than two chins. David Wilson gave us this compelling excuse for journalism. Oh, by the way, the alleged perpetrator is a black guy with a short station wagon.

Kind of a weird one here. A shooting victim was uncooperative when the cops arrived to help him and gave them false information about his identity, so they arrested him. Turns out he had an outstanding warrant. Silly victim.

Fox 12's Most Wanted

• Wayne Baggenstos (did I write that down correctly?) is on the loose again. He has failed to report in to his parole officer.
• Joseph Williams is a rapist and the police have lost track of him. Not good.

Steven Stokke tried to use another man's credit card at the Red Lion Inn in Vancouver. The clerk smelled a rat and tried to detain him until the cops arrived. Stevie Boy ran out the door and jumped into the Columbia River. A boater fished him out. Steve is soggy and under arrest now. Jamie Wilson was On The Scene for this one.

It isn't often that we owe a crook some gratitude, but I think we should thank the person who stole the trailer and equipment for No Need 4 Proof, a Christian rock band. Remember what I said the other night about "positive hip hop" absolutely having to suck? Double that for Christian rock. Want proof? Try this from their website, noneed4proof.com :

"No Need 4 Proof is a dynamic Christian rock band from Portland, Oregon. No Need 4 Proof covers the entire spectrum; warm, southing sounds of contemporary worship found in most of today's churches, to original songs that can come crashing in like thunder in a Mid-Western sky. In any case, your heart will be lifted, and the Lord will be praised for the awesome God that He is!"

Is there any doubt in your mind that their music bites the Big Gadinga? Besides, although their site doesn't explain the origin of their name, I'm sure it comes from the same "Don't confuse me with the facts" mindset that's behind the bumper stickers that say, "God said it, I believe it and that settles it." If I was a praying man, I would pray that they never get their instruments back.

An arsonist was sort-of caught on camera in Aloha. I say "sort-of" because they can't determine much about the person from the tape. The fire was started in a recycling bin and nearby locations.

Josiah Richards has now been charged with the murder of his girlfriend's 2-year-old daughter.

Jadyn, the girl in question, was buried on Thursday.

Manslaughter charges were brought against the caretakers of another 2-year-old who died in Vancouver. Of particular interest is the fact that the mother didn't call 911 when the child was found unconscious.

Meth Watch

• The next piece was a recap of the facts in the case of the 2-year-old who had meth in her system. The mother and boyfriend are in custody and a third adult is sought in connection with the crime. Jesus, I'm getting sick of stories about abused toddlers. How am I supposed to make jokes about stuff like this?

Break.

A gunman robbed a Milwaukie restaurant a while back. Patrick Ogburn is sought in connection with this crime. They should arrest him just for that weird last name.

The FBI, in a desperate attempt to prove that they aren't just a bunch of incompetants who fuck up and drop the ball on major cases, put all that stuff they seized the other day when they raided a bunch of second-hand stores on display. "Look at all the food processors, taxpayers! LOOK AT THEM!!!!"

Why all the drinking, people? Isn't the scenic beauty of the Beaver State enough to amuse you? Apparently not. Some douchebag got himself a DUII for losing control of his vehicle and hitting a van, injuring a kid's neck.

A semi crossed I-205 when the driver fell asleep at the wheel, resulting in a charge of negligent homicide. That means that someone got to meet Jesus, right?

Alan Watkins, who looks like he wants people to think he's tough, is in prison in Pendleton. In an attempt to prove my theory, he attacked a guard there around 8 AM on Thursday. Alan, why can't you be more like that nice Martha Stewart; she was a model prisoner who never stuck anyone with a shiv. If she had, however, it would have been with a very tasteful homemade shiv, I'm sure. The guard is not seriously hurt.

Hey, speaking of prisons, there's a proposal to build a new one with over 1600 beds. Where? Dunno. KPTV didn't think that little detail was important, apparently. I'm sure every community would welcome a big ass prison like that, seeing as how every right-thinking citizen seems to think that the answer to every societal problem is to lock more people up, so don't any of you dare bitch if and when it's announced that the new prison is going to be in your backyard. Damn, that was a long sentence. Anyhoo, if and when they approve this nightmare, it will be open by 2010.

Some vandals were caught and arrested in Newport. They were scribbling on the side of some pottery business.

Fire Season 2005

• The brand-spanking new Deer Creek fire has already consumed 1500 acres.
• Next we got a recap of yesterday's story about the fire on the side of 99E near Oregon City.
• There was also a 3-alarm fire in Newburg.

This next story was sort of confusing. The Chyron said "Man Rescued" but the copy was about a 61-year-old guy who died in the mouth of the Columbia River. I wouldn't call pulling a corpse out of the water a "rescue."

Northwest Tonight

A toddler fell 3 stories and lived to tell about it in Auburn, Washington back on Monday. The parents were out and a cousin was babysitting. Babies, like drunks, are really really resilient. Also like drunks, they don't talk very well. For some reason, this story reminded me that sometimes, in carnivals in the old pre-PC days, they would have displays of fake, rubber, fetuses in glass jars, called "bouncers." Yes, I DO have a head full of weird and useless facts, thank you very much. "KPTV's Deborah Feldman" was the "reporter" on this story.

73-year-old Robert Clements is in jail for sexual assaults in the school he worked in. Ready for irony? Clements helped write the rules against sexual contact with students for the school. Pervert heal thyself, I say.

Crisis In The Classroom

Local schools have 90 days to review the rules concerning Talented and Gifted classes. There's some concern that they aren't adequately addressing the needs of the students in those classes. The kids are "talented and gifted?" How's about we put them to work writing the new rules? Harness some of that mental horsepower.

Break.

The committee back in Washington, D.C. is still mulling over which military bases to close. They're dealing with the Air Force now and since they haven't made up their minds yet, Oregon's Air Force facilities are safe--for the moment. Hey, want to know what to buy me for my next birthday (February 16)? I kind of have a hankering for that big blimp hangar outside of Tillamook. I have this fantasy where I live in the hangar. I call for pizza delivery and when the kid arrives, he rings the doorbell and I open the 100-foot high doors at the end of the building, take the pizza, pay him and close the doors behind me as I walk back inside, leaving him standing there with his jaw hanging open.

Fight For Iraq

• The deadline for completion of the new Iraqi constitution is Friday morning. This, of course, would be the THIRD deadline so far. We saw video of people "celebrating" in the streets in support of the constitution. If I found out that it was actually video of people chanting "Death to Bush" I wouldn't fall over in a dead faint. It seems to me that, in Iraq, people are always out in the streets, chanting something or other. Every day is Mardi Gras in Iraq. A very anti-American Mardi Gras. With bullets. And improvised explosive devices.
• Speaking of everything going just dandy in Iraq, 8 of the president's bodyguards were killed in Kirkuk on Thursday. The president wasn't in the motorcade at the time. Is Kirkuk Detroit's sister city? If not, that would be a funny thing to propose to the Sister City Committee or whoever determines those things.

War On Terror

I'm not exactly sure how this story comes under the "War On Terror heading, but whatever... An American citizen who is a veteran and who happens to be of Palestinian extraction received an invoice from Chase Bank, addressed to "Palestinian Bomber." To make matters worse, when he called the bank to complain, the operator called him "Mr. Bomber." Yeah, that would piss anyone off, but I thought he was laying it on a little thick when he said that it was going to take him years to get over this slight. Anyone else smell a lawsuit in the making?

Break.

It's Thursday, so it's time for Dirty Dining. Keri Tomlinson made a rare appearance in the studio for this one. The McKenzie Pub in Sherwood failed two consecutive health inspections recently for things like mold in the ice machine. By the way, if you ever get the chance to see them in concert, Mold In The Ice Machine are FABULOUS! The owner of the pub had no comment when Keri tried to talk to him about the problems. The place has since fixed them and passed their most recent inspection.

The metaphorical shit is hitting the metaphorical fan in Southeast Florida. 1 million people were without electrical power on Thursday night, according to "KPTV's J.J. Ramberg" who, by the way, is a woman.

So, uh, when KPTV said last night that Hurricane Katrina was losing steam and would probably become a tropical depression soon, they had no friggin' idea what they were talking about, huh? Katrina, which is still a damn HURRICANE, hit the Florida coast in the Broward-Dade counties area (between Miami and Ft. Lauderdale). 2 people were hit by falling trees.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

Remember the early oughts when Enron would randomly turn off the power to Southern California in a zany attempt to raise prices for electricity? Well, rolling blackouts are back! (by the way, if you ever get the chance to see them, Rolling Blackouts are fantastic in concert!)

A constructor worker was injured when a wall fell on him in New Jersey.

A record producer is missing in Topanga Canyon, Los Angeles. He made a bizarre call to 911, claiming that he was being pursued by Internet spammers. The police have found his eyeglasses but not him.

It was Car VS. Funeral Home in Atlanta. Car won by crashing throught the wall of the home.

No, that's NOT a new creamer! A post office worker in Akron, Ohio was caught urinating in the office coffee pot. I loved the Akronite we saw on tape who opined that the worker should be fired for that. Gee, you sure you want to express a controversial opinion like that on camera, Butch?

A "lifesize" sign of Smokey The Bear was stolen in Trevlac, Indiana. Um, Smokey isn't real and real bears don't walk around wearing a trooper hat and bluejeans, so how can you determine what "lifesize" would be in this case? Here's what Smokey looks like now that his sign has been stolen: Click here

A Mom and Pop food joint in Chicago is getting static for selling "ghetto fries." The owner says it isn't racist; it just refers to fries "from the hood." Maybe the real problem is that he will only sell his black customers watermelon and grape soda. Joke.

World Tonight

• A typhoon is nearing Tokyo. First Godzilla, now this. Will it never end?
• Floods are causing problems in Germany and Switzerland, including train stoppages caused by tracks being under water. You know what Amtrack calls a day like that? Tuesday. (I'm going to keep using that joke until it becomes funny.)

A young girl, on an outing with a church camp, fell 40 feet down a cliff in Oswald West State Park on the Oregon coast. A stranger at the bottom of the cliff heard the girl's cries and summoned help. She was Lifeflight'ed out to Portland. She's going to be OK; thankfully, no one used the word "miracle" to describe her survival. Her parents are ticked at the camp for not paying more attention to the kids but they say they aren't going to sue. Hilary Hutcheson for whom I'm considering starting a fund to buy her a perm, was near the KPTV "news" van for this story.

The next story claimed that the government is trying to figure out how to regulate the use of maggots and leeches by doctors. This isn't as rare as you might imagine; I was married to a hospital pharmacy director for 11 years and she told me that doctors sometimes order the little creepy crawlers from mail-order companies for use during surgery.

Pump Patrol

• On Thursday, gas was $2.43/gallon on North Lombard in Portland and $2.95 at a station at Grand and Stark. And now you know.

Bwahahahaha. Next we got to see a gas station sign that read Regular: [picture of an arm], Mid-level: [picture of a leg] and High Test: First Born. Oh, the hilarity of price gouging for a vital commodity!

Volvo is developing a seat belt Breathalyzer that would require the operator to blow into a tube, registering a legal blood alcohol limit before the car could be started. Has anyone else noticed that the more we try to make the world "safe," the more life sucks? You want safety, I'll give you safety. My solution: DUI (or DUII in Oregon) = life sentence, no exceptions. The streets will be empty within a year. There, now you're safe!

"Security is mostly a superstition.
It does not exist in nature nor do
the children of men as a whole experience it.
Life is either a daring adventure.
Or nothing."
Helen Keller

All hail your new American Scrabble champion from Portland. He got a big novelty check for $25,000. Get yourself one: Click here.

A new Dove Lewis animal hospital broke ground on Thursday by having some doggies dig a hole. Shauna Parsons thought this was just the cutest thing EVER! Shauna Parsons needs to get out of the house more.

Hollywood Buzz

Jerry Seinfeld gave birth to their third child on Thursday. The boy is named Residual Check Seinfeld--or should be.

Many, many self-deluded people, in the mistaken impression that they possess talent, showed up to audition for American Idol in Austin, Texas. "KPTV's Tasha Martinez" was the face on this piece.

And with that, the mighty engine known as the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show clattered to a close.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

Fox News Channel screwed up big-time by giving out a family's address on the air, claiming that it was where some terrorists lived. From sploid.com: “In what Fox News officials concede was a mistake, John Loftus, a former U.S. prosecutor, gave out the address Aug. 7, saying it was the home of a Middle Eastern man, Iyad K. Hilal, who was the leader of a terrorist group with ties to those responsible for the July 7 bombings in London. Hilal, whom Loftus identified by name during the broadcast, moved out of the house about three years ago. But the consequences were immediate for the Voricks.”

European officials think that the bird flu may kill millions of people. Also from sploid.com: ‘Millions and millions would die, and a pandemic would change society as we know it,’ said Tamsin Rose of the European Public Health Alliance. ‘And no-one seems prepared.’

According to Business Week, bankruptcies have hit an all-time high in America. This is in advance of a new law which will severely limit the ability to file for bankruptcy.