Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Crap Ho! [imagine a pirate peering through a telescope, shouting that at the top of his lungs for the proper effect]

Top Story...oh wait! It's that stupid fake "Breaking News" trick yet again! What is it this time?

Scott Spansel, the missing 15 year-old boy, has been found dead in a park in Salem. Yes, that's an important story. In fact, it's so important that it shouldn't be subjected to KPTV's phony Breaking News bullshit. They already had a reporter on the scene, so why not just lead the damn show with the story, instead of pretending that you were going to start with something else, but just had to go to this "breaking story?"

Anyway, back to the "Top Story." The little boy who was abandoned at a church the other day is still sans parents. Apparently, his Dad just recently found out that he isn't the boy's real father. Oh, this family sounds like a real bunch of winners! Part One of this story was brought to us by "KPTV's Lili Jang" [sp?]

Part Two was about the kid's mom who used to live in Newport, Oregon. Jim Hyde illustrated his point that she had a "rocky life" by using--get ready!--a ROCK as his on-camera prop! I'm am so not kidding! Really, Jim, is this how you envisioned spending your golden years, holding a friggin' ROCK on camera??

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight was an alleged serial child abuser named Andres Olmedo. We got tonight's "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment in this story. How many nights in a row have we had one of those now? For a while there, they kind of backed off this crap, but it's back now with a vengeance.

Andrew Feeney is an ID thief? Yes, according to Glenn Haddick who has been dealing with Feeney's shenanigans for 16 years now. It's screwed up his credit and his job prospects, according to him.

Meth Watch. There was a meth bust in Longview, Washington. Eh.

The pharmaceutical companies are coming out with new cold meds to thwart the losers who make meth out of the pseudoephedrine versions.

Hey, remember that local teen who travelled to Portland, Maine and died in a car crash? KPTV says she's still dead. We got another story about her with absolutely ZERO new information about the story in it. Exploitation? Gee, you think so?

Break.

[cue organ music] Will Portland outlaw boots on cars? Uh, maybe. Seems some of the local towing companies might be a wee bit aggressive in their tactics and some people are pissed.

There was a "SWAT standoff" in Vancouver, Washington. The cops were acting on a Federal warrant. When they crashed the house, they found their man hiding in a crawl space. "No one expects the Vancouver SWAT Team!"

A Camaro and an Escalade had a disagreement of the vehicular kind on a highway in Gresham. The road was all messed up for a while.

You shouldn't call 911 for stupid crap. The local authorities would like you to become acquainted with the non-emergency number. They have instituted a "Know your non-number" campaign. Yes, really.

Public transportation in the Portland area should improve immensely soon; the Feds have released a heaping helping of money for that purpose. And you just know that it will all go directly to improving the system. 'Cause money like that is never skimmed or used for other purposes. Right.

Will there be an increase in the tax on cigarettes in Oregon? Could be. That will definitely stop people from smoking, like every other time they've raised the tax on cigarettes. That's why there is now a negative number of smokers.

A hot air balloon clipped a tree in Aurora and fortunately for recreational viewers of tabloid journalism, someone had a camcorder and caught it on tape.

The World Forestry Center is set to reopen.
Important points:
*I didn't know there was a World Forestry Center.
*I didn't know it was closed.
*I have no idea what the World Forestry Center is.

Break.

War On Terror

*A study of the World Trade Center collapse determined that future skyscrapers should be built differently. How about building them with a big hole in the center that a plane could fly through?

*A mock terror drill was held in Helena, Montana. Hilarity ensued.

Fight For Iraq

*The military says that Operation Spear is a success. Gee, and I thought they'd say that it was a huge failure. In the history of the American military, has any "operation" ever been described as a failure? I think George Custer's last words were, "Well, that went well!"

Break.

The auto industry says you can expect safer SUV's in the near future. Uh, how about cars that people can afford to drive?

United Airlines is apparently the designated "front man" for raising prices. Tickets are going up by 3% because of rising fuel costs. Expect the other airlines to follow suit. Actually, that doesn't seem that unreasonable to me.

Next we got one of those kiss-industry-ass stories that KPTV eats up like Hershey's Kisses. This one was about how eBay is setting up a deal that will let you bid on stuff and monitor your auctions on your TV screen--providing that your cable provider implements the service, that is. This vital story was brought to you by "KPTV's Tom Vecar." [sp?]

Nike announced that it supports civil unions and benefits for its gay employees. A big company like that making such an announcement may make a difference when this kind of thing comes up before the state legislature. We shall see.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*There was a car chase on what appeared to be Hollywood Boulevard in L.A.

*A drunken pilot landed his plane at the airport in White Plains, New York.

*Another toddler took a big spill. This little guy fell 30 feet in Sylmar, California.

*Since we've already heard about the lost scout who was found near Salt Lake City, this story served absolutely no purpose but here it was.

America Tonight (which differs in some way I can't figure out from News Across America, apparently):

*A large section of Mother Earth slid in Colorado. Big hole. Big.

*A large crack opened up in Mother Earth in Claude, Texas. Big crack. Big.

*There are wildfires in a national park in Arizona.

*Snapple thought they were going to unveil a huge Popsicle made of their new flavor in Manhattan, but it kind of melted on the way over from New Jersey and made a huge mess in the streets. Somebody's getting fired!

*A 3-legged baby was born in Detroit. In the old days, the child would have a promising career waiting for her in the carnival business.

*The cops arrested a guy in Massachusetts for not returning some adult videos he rented back in 1989. He pointed out, rationally, I thought, that the cops should have better things to do with their time.

*The Republican governor of Texas was caught on tape saying, "Adios, mofo." The reason for this is kind of obscure. According to one version of the story that I've read (who says I don't research this blog?), he was quoting a reporter he had just spoken to but added the "mofo" reference. Since the gov is a born-again Christian, his explanation that he didn't realize he was on camera is a little odd. I mean, is he admitting that he speaks that way when he isn't on camera?

*The Chicago cops want to put men arrested for allegedly patronizing prostitutes on a Website O' Shame (my description). The ubiquitous unnamed "civil libertarians" correctly pointed out that since these men haven't yet been convicted of anything, this is harrassment. The mayor, who didn't look to me like he should wait by his mailbox for his Mensa Society membership form, said (in effect), "Tough noogies."

There's that "Breaking News" graphic again. Hey, you're cutting into my "'news' about crap that makes my head hurt" time! The cops say that the death of that kid in the park in Salem appears to have been accidental. An autopsy will be carried out Thursday. Does anyone really think that this piece of information just became available and couldn't have been given to us earlier in the show?

Back to the Shitstorm, remember the cougar sighting from the other day? Well, the small boy who lived where the cat showed up was shown on camera, talking about the experience. Thanks, KPTV, that was vital to my existence.

Ah, here's one of those stories for which KPTV is rightly famous. Know those sample cosmetics in department stores? Well, they have cooties on them. OK, the "proper" "scientific" name is "bacteria," but those are like little, microscopic cooties, right? Some even have E-coli on 'em. According to the Science Lady we saw in this story, that probably means that the person who used the lipstick before you has bad toilet habits. You fill in the blank here.

Hollywood Buzz

*The bassist for the band Soul Asylum died. Last Friday. Had there been a KPTV back in 1941, they would have reported the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 12th.

*Some loser who was stalking Mel Gibson and wanted to pray with him was sentenced to jail. You got something against sharing the love of Christ, Mel??

*Finally, Leo DiCaprio is pressing charges against the stupid girl who hit him with a bottle at a party over the weekend, causing Leo to have to get some stitches. Expect her to get a six-figure book deal any day now.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*The Pentagon is assembling a database of information about all 16-to-18-year-olds and all college students in America. The new database will include personal information including birth dates, Social Security numbers, e-mail addresses, grade-point averages, ethnicity and what subjects the students are studying. Some suspicious people (like me) think that this is the prelude to a draft but they say they need the info for recruitment. Uh huh.

*The House of Representatives passed an anti-flag burning amendment. Gee, you'd think this is the kind of story they'd jump on, wouldn't you?

*As of today, new federal regulations require all porn sites to have information about every person depicted in any photos that show sexual activity. Good luck keeping those records!

*In the face of public disapproval, the Republicans are altering their plan for "fixing" Social Security, although it looks as if they still want to sneak in the "private account" thing.