Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Tuesday was my wife's birthday. After she opened the presents and I ate some cake, I settled down to deal with the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show. As their contribution to my wife's 50th, KPTV fired their general manager. Yes, really.

Top Story. Oops, no. There's some "Breaking News" tonight. Boy, that sure seems to happen on a regular basis on KPTV, huh?

A cyclist died at P.I.R. after hitting a 12-inch steel pole head-on. This is a tragic story to be sure, but I had to laugh when David Frietas said that the doctor and nurse who worked on the deceased were "medically trained." Gee, you think so, Dave?

Back to the Top Story (which, strictly speaking, is no longer really the "top story" now, is it?): A teensy little "spy cam" was found inside the toilet roll in the women's bathroom in the West Linn Starbucks. Apparently the same thing happened a while back at another Portland area Starbucks. This story gave us a "You don't expect that in this Starbucks bathroom" type comment.

Meth Watch. Jon Holte is accused of being a serial burglar. The cops think he was pawning the stolen stuff to support his meth addiction.

Gene Dykstra was stabbed by a guy with no history of criminal behavior of any kind. As my wife said, "I think they should check for a brain tumor." We were told by KPTV that this happened in a good neighborhood, which the first time I can remember the "reporter" making the ubiquitous "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment.

Christine Coffman, the step-grandma of the slain Matal Sanchez appeared in court on Tuesday. She still hasn't entered a plea. Plead guilty, Christine, save the state the money for a trial.

There has been a rash of suspicious fires in Kelso over the past few days. The intrepid Jamie Wilson was On The Scene.

We were told yet again about the arson at the Dollar Warehouse on Sandy Blvd. from the other night. There wasn't anything really new in the story, but we did get the name of the owner of the business: Karry Walczyk [sp?] They're sticking to that figure of $800, 000 in destroyed inventory. That's a lot of one-dollar items.

The police say there's an increase of gang activity in Northeast Salem. We saw some 12 year-old kids on their 20-inch bicycles who we were told are gang members. Uh, maybe. They allegedly belong to the L.S.C. gang. An owner of an apartment complex claims to spend $1000/month on graffiti cleanup.

Break.

Multnomah County officials are using new GPS tracking devices that strap to convicts' ankles to track their movements. Kevin Coari broke new territory by having not one, but two props for his standup on this story: a watch and a cell phone! We heard from a guy who's had 8 DUII's. Sheesh, is it really a good idea to have this guy on the outside where he can get shit-faced and jump behind the wheel? Anyway, he has to pay $91/month for his Big Brother bling bling.

Runaway work-release inmates are a problem in Washington County. Don't they have any of those new-fangled ankle tracking thingies??

There was a police chase in Beaverton on Monday night. They caught the culprit who hasn't entered a plea yet.

Sam Parish has been charged with DUII and reckless driving. As he hit and killed someone, he may yet be charged with manslaughter.

There's a bill making its way through the state legislature which would increase the penalty for making a bomb threat.

Northwest Tonight

*Joseph Duncan, the creep who is accused of killing the Groene family and taking their children hostage is now thought to have stalked the family using night vision equipment for a few weeks prior to the murders.

*The fire at the unopened McDonalds in Sisters, Oregon has been ruled an arson.

You thought you've heard the last of the Laci Peterson murder, didn't you? Nope. A guy just bought the Peterson house and says he found a knife with some red stuff on it in the backyard. The cops don't think it has any connection to the case. According to the internets, there is some suspicion that the thing is a hoax.

Next was one of those stupid "stories" that make the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show the infotainment abortion it is. There is an increased demand for "designer dogs." Who needs any information about the Karl Rove scandal when there are labradoodles in the wild? This was merely a tease for a story in the morning on Good Day, Oregon. If only there was a 24-hour place around here to buy a TiVo! I'd buy one and throw it at the head of whoever thinks this shit is "news."

Break.

War On Terror/London Terror

*The British authorities think that the explosions last week in London were the work of suicide bombers. One man has been arrested. Brits of Pakistani extraction are suspected in the killings.

War On Terror (Non-London edition)

*A new memorial at Ground Zero in New York allows anyone to record reminiscences of 9/11 victims.

*A terror suspect has been caught. The "Emir of Baghdad" is in custody. He is said to be Zarqawi's main man. Damn, Zarqawi has more "main men" than KPTV has reporters in the field, huh?

There was a train crash in Pakistan, killing at least 150 people.

A window cover fell off the space shuttle, awaiting launch on Wednesday. It broke a panel on the skin of the orbitor. Um, aren't broken panels what caused the last explosion? Not a good omen. This story was brought to us by Zarqawi's main man, Doug Luzader. Oh, I'm sorry, he's "KPTV's Doug Luzader." Easy mistake to make.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America

*An offshore oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico is leaning because of the last hurricane. No oil has leaked out of it, though.

*A young girl had a heart attack while riding the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror at Disney World. This thing is essentially a big elevator you ride up to the top, then free fall in.

*A boy climbed into a trash bag for some reason--hey, boys will be boys, right? Then the trash truck came and the garbage man put the bag into the truck to be compacted. When he heard the kid screaming, he stopped the machinery, saving the boy's life, probabaly. This happened in Wisconsin.

*A Virginia woman was driving from Alabama back home. Not having enough room inside her car for all her kids, she had some of them take turns riding in the trunk. She is charged with neglegence and abuse.

*This story was just made for KPTV. It claimed that some "club kids" are combining Ecstasy and Viagra. Write your own joke here. Some of the kids, however, think that this is bullshit. One of them was identified--yes, really!--as "Randy" Sexstacy Cynic. Yes, really. The true highlight of this story, however, wasn't the Chyron, but the randomly zooming in and out close-up shots of the club kids' faces which reminded me of the old Batman TV show. OK, did this piece-of-shit "news" show REALLY win an award from the Society of Professional Journalists? Really? Hey, KPTV, since you're going down the "Batman" road, maybe you can start putting big POW! and BANG! graphics on the screen. You're a friggin' cartoon version of a news show anyway.

*Breaking News (again). Nothing new to report. David Frietas was treading water as he reiterated the same stuff we got at the top of the hour.

*Some copies of the new Harry Potter book were sold by some Canadian bookstores before the official release date by mistake. A court up there has ruled that the purchasers may not read, talk about or sell the books under risk of punishment. Duh.

*Next was the inevitable American Idol cross-promotion. Constantine, who won or almost won or whatever the American Idol competition recently, is going to appear on a CD featuring tributes to a group with actual talent, Queen.

Hollywood Buzz

*Brad Pitt has the flu and is in the hospital. There neither is nor can be any news more important than this in the entire world.

*Pet Emergencies. Tomorrow on the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show we'll hear about whatever the hell this "story" is supposed to be about.

Last and certainly sleaziest: I-Team Cyber Sting

John Nicolas Barger is a 23 year-old man who has an alleged hankering for the young'uns. Keri Tomlinson with the help of the Perverted Justice gang, set up Johnny Boy, tricking him into thinking he was coming to their rented house in Gresham to meet a 13 year-old girl.

Imagine John's surprise when Keri opened the door to ask him why he was there. As he ran for his car, he tried a few lame excuses. The "I-Team" tracked Barber to his home, where the KPTV cameraman sat outside in the "news" car. John freaked out and started hitting the car with his fist. Yeah, it's pseudo-news crap but it's VISUAL pseudo-news crap!

Instead of "blowjob," tonight's "no-no phrase" was "going down." Barber allegedly asked the fake girl to perform that very special act of love on him. Johnny Johnny Johnny. Tsk tsk. There will be more marks Caught On Camera on Wednesday night's show.

Shauna Parsons wrapped up the Final Cut with 19 seconds left on the Inscrutable Countdown Clock. She could have filled that time by doing a quick story about the General Manager who got canned on Tuesday, but as with Las Vegas, what happens at KPTV stays at KPTV, I guess.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Scandal at the White House? Says who? That's a one-day story, right?

*The Pope, who believes that a piece of bread magically becomes the actual flesh of Christ on command, has said that the Harry Potter books are "evil." Because they could cause kids to believe in absurd things, you see.

*According to the Washington Post, "President Bush's top independent intelligence adviser met last winter with investment bankers in China to help secure his law firm's role in lobbying for a state-run Chinese energy firm and its bid for the U.S. oil company Unocal Corp., according to his law firm, Akin Gump."