Wednesday, July 13, 2005

OK, let's blow through this bad boy quick-like. I've got some Web surfing to do.

Top Story. Wait! No, they didn't have a Breaking News thingie tonight. I'm just so used to them whipping out that old chestnut that I jumped the gun there. The Top Story tonight is Jeffrey Williams getting his bad self busted. He's allegedly the guy who's been going around robbing businesses lately, like that 7-11 the other day. A cop got him on a routine traffic stop and waddaya know, it was Mr. Jump The Counter and Rob The Cash Register Guy. Hilary Hutcheson was On The Scene, albeit with her hair part still on the left side of her head. Hey, Hilary, do a guy a favor and surprise me tomorrow by having bangs!

Fox 12's Most Wanted. The guy who whacked an acquaintance at a soccer game last week is still On The Loose.

Remember that deal where some Tualatin cops got in trouble for allegedly molesting some kids in the Explorer program about five years ago? Kevin Coari, Explorer application in hand, told us that charges aren't likely in the case. Seems the victim the cops know about doesn't want to testify. She's 21 now, which means she was 16 at the time of the violation(s). The former cops have handed in their law enforcement "licenses" according to Kev which means they can never work as policemen again. Awwwww.

There is a memorial service scheduled for this coming Saturday for Carlea Cooper whose body was found in the trunk of a man her friends say they know nothing about.

We now have the name of the cyclist who died at P.I.R. this week: Charles Christenson.

Michael Boyles used to be a juvenile probation officer. Apparently, he wasn't a good one though, because he is charged with having anal sex with a minor client. He allegedly used drugs and alcohol to dope the kid up.

Samuel Parish hit someone with his car the other day (see the archives). Now he's charged with DUII and manslaughter.

A train hit a car somewhere or other. I couldn't write fast enough to catch the details but I'm guessing the train won.

We heard the story of Glenn Hadduck the other week. He's been in ID Theft Hell since about 1988. Andrew Feeney has been going around, using Glenn's ID, ruining his credit rating, making it difficult for Glenn to get a job and giving him a faux criminal record. Finally, Glenn has an official letter informing people that he isn't the guy who has done those naughty things and he's found a job.

The arson at the Dollar Warehouse is being investigated. There was some implication that the business might have been in trouble but the owner says it was profitable.

A woman is missing! There are no suspects yet in the case.

That Rasputin-looking guy who disappeared from the state mental hospital in Portland turned up. He was sitting on the lawn of the hosiptal. Yes, really.

Break.

This next story broke new ground for KPTV. We've seen David Frietas On The Scene. We've seen David Frietas in the KPTV "news" van. We've never seen him on what appeared to be a set before, though. Until tonight, that is. Davey was sitting at a desk in front of what looked like a black backdrop holding a phone to tell us about the proposed cell phone tax in Portland. I can't wait until they start greenscreening him into places, like they do with the fake reporters on The Daily Show.

A 13 year-old boy was arrested in Kelso for stealing wine. He would have asked a grown-up to buy it for him, but maybe he heard about that sting thing where the Liquor Control people used Scouts to entrap people into doing that.

Speaking of Kelso, a man from there was arrested in Longview for smashing a window. Man, no crime is too trivial to elude the KPTV News Net. Next week: Jaywalkers: Are They Trying To Run From Their Meth Habit?

The Coast Guard called off a search after about 24 hours. Seems some human hair was found on a tree branch on Saddle Mountain and people figured that equalled Missing Person. No, I'm not kidding. Question: What is the Coast Guard doing conducting a search on a MOUNTAIN??

Northwest Tonight

*Joe Duncan, suspect in the Groene murder/kidnapping case in Idaho, has been charged with...murder and kidnapping, logically enough.

*A commercial boat owner caught a Mysterious Object off Bellingham, Washington. It's 13X7 feet and has Russian writing on it. He's loaned it to the Navy for examination and hopes to sell it when he gets it back. This story was brought to us by "KPTV's Dan Springer."

*Nicholas Patterson apparently really really dislikes McNuggets. He's been arrested in connection with the arson of the unfinished Mickey D's in Sisters, Oregon. Cheer that man up and buy him a Happy Meal.

*A dog saved a little boy's life in Hockinson and medals were handed out all around. 'Cause there's nothing a dog likes more than a MEDAL. Actually, they gave the doggie a big ol' chew bone. The relevant humans got the medals.

Break.

Pump Patrol: The average price of gas in Oregon right now is $2.39/gallon; in Portland, it's $2.21. Man, wouldn't you just hate to be an RV dealer these days?

War On Terror/London Terror

*3 of the 4 alleged bombers in London are from the town of Leeds, famous among Who fans for their album "Live At Leeds."

War On Terror (Domestic version)

*New Homeland Security Department secretary Chertoff is shaking up the joint. He announced some new appointments to jobs he just created.

Remember when the FBI busted Oregon attorney Brandon Mayfield and the news went crazy with stories implying that Mayfield, a convert to Islam, was some kind of terrorist? Remember when they had to admit that there was absolutely NO evidence that the guy had done anything wrong? Well, there's more to the story as it turns out. From KPTV.com: "The FBI spokeswoman in Oregon admitted a day before the arrest of Brandon Mayfield that the federal agency did not have enough evidence to arrest him on a criminal charge during the investigation of the Madrid train bombings last year." Oops. I smell freshly-baked settlement coming!

A few months ago, a new website called Zabasearch.com went on line. It gives you information about people you're looking for. Some people think this is an invastion of their privacy. Well, KPTV is going to stir up the shit pot Thursday morning on Good Day, Oregon.

Break.

NASA continues its string of expensive fuck-ups by delaying the launch of the space shuttle until at least Saturday. One of the four fuel sensors wasn't working properly. Maybe I just don't have The Right Stuff or something, but if I was one of the astronauts, I think I'd be coming up with excuses for not being able to go for a ride just now.

In a related story, OMSI had to cancel its planned screeening of the blast-off. They even had a Q & A with the astronauts set up. Do kids these days still fantasize about being astronauts like I did back in the 60's? In case you were wondering, that didn't quite work out for me.

Debra Gill told us about a N.W. Portland animal clinic. Going into the piece, we were given a warning that some of the visuals might be disturbing. I had mental images of late-night pitbull fights captured by night-vision cameras, but no such luck. Actually, I have no idea why anyone thought the warning was needed (except, of course, on the cynical grounds that such a warning might make people REALLY want to see the segment). The story was just the usual Florence Nightingale-type stuff. Totally tame and completely watchable by a five year-old.

Still on the animal tip, we were next told about a new elephant at the Portland Zoo.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut/News Across America (still indistinguishable from America Tonight)

*A child's aunt left a 22 month-old kid in a car with a 115-degree interior. Result: roast baby. Auntie is now facing charges of negligent homicide.

*A boat went up in flames off Hyannis, Massachusetts.

*OK, this was a weird one. A male cheerleading coach apparently likes to dress up AS a cheerleader. While that may be an unusual hobby, it wouldn't be illegal. The wrinkle is that he legally changed his name to a female one and is accused of stealing the ID's of some women, apparently so he could pretend to be female.

*We saw some video of a 600-pound marlin struggling to get off the hook of a fishing line. How does stuff like that end up on the news?

*A woman in Illinois got a water bill for $78,000. Oh, they just LOVE those wacky utility bill stories, don't they? Obviously, it was the result of an error and she won't have to pay it. I repeat the question at the end of the previous paragraph.

*A Wal-Mart in Virginia is offering a "dating service." Well, sort of. On a certain night of the week, single shoppers tie a red ribbon to the front of their shopping cart. Other people who also advertise their abject loneliness thusly are encouraged to talk to the Desperate and Dateless.

*Does soda cause obesity? Uh, well, maybe. Some do-gooders who think it does are encouraging the government to make soda makers put warning labels on their cans and bottles. As you would guess, soda industry lobbyists oppose such a thing.

*Ah, finally, the kind of sleazy shit we've come to know and love from KPTV: I-Team Cyber Sting. Every ratings period, major and minor, of late, Keri Tomlinson hooks up with the Perverted Justice guys and gals to ensnare would-be pederasts. Never mind that some police officials around the country say that Perverted Justice's brand of cyber-vigilantism gets in the way of real police work. There's video of pervs with that deer-in-the-headlights look in their eyes to Catch On Camera. And isn't that what's REALLY important here, folks?

Tonight's wannabe Humbert Humbert was Jesse Lapham. He showed up at the house KPTV rented, thinking he was going to hook up with a young teen girl. When Keri--not a young teen girl--answered the door, he took off faster than Star Jones heading for an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Later, having had time to think things over, he apparently contacted Keri to "explain" things. His story was that he wanted to meet the head of Perverted Justice to confront him because he doesn't like the way they set people up. He claimed to be working with a group called Corrupted Justice, which opposes Perverted Justice. Following all this? The problem is the Corrupted Justice people say they've never heard of Jesse Lapham. Oopsie. More on Thursday night's show.

Shauna Parsons wrapped up the Final Cut just about even with the Countdown Clock (still inscrutable, though).

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*I'm working on a new theory. I think Natalee Holloway is secretly married to Karl Rove. That would explain why they are both non-people on KPTV's "news" show. If Natalee Holloway is still alive, I picture her saying to herself, "I used to be a contender! Now I'm just a nobody."

*Supreme Court Justice Rehnquist is in the hospital. Now, if it was only an ANIMAL hospital, maybe KPTV would take an interested in his condition.

*Bernie Ebbers, the CEO of WorldCom, the company responsible for the largest fraud ever prosecuted in America, was sentenced to 25 years in prison. Next time, Bernie, if you want to get some "face time" on KPTV, try stealing some panties. Who cares about white collar crime, even MASSIVE white collar crime which wipes out the savings of thousands of Americans?