Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The KPTV tiny clown car pulled up and out jumped some "reporters." We blog, you decide.

Top Story: Wait, it's time for the never-gets-old "Breaking News" gag. A 4 year-old boy went missing at about 3 PM today which on KPTV qualifies the story as "Breaking News." The cops were on the scene, as you would expect, looking for little Matel Sanchez. This story gave us tonight's first "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment.

Back to the Top Story: Attempted Luring. Sounds like a Sharon Stone movie title, doesn't it? Rather than a peek at Sharon's hoo ha, we got to see the shadow of a woman (I guess she didn't want to go on camera) opining on how "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" in reference to the alleged attempt to lure a Hillsboro child into a red truck with 4 doors.

A teenage girl was attacked in Milwaukie (the one in Oregon, not the oft-misspelled-on-KPTV Milwaukee in Wisconsin) while some other kids videotaped the assault. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't seem, well, bright, to deliberately produce the evidence against yourself. Maybe they were auditioning for America's Most Self-incriminating Home Videos.

A female cyclist was killed in Portland. Police are looking for anyone with information about the driver who hit her.

2 people were shot in downtown Portland on Sunday. There's a $1000 reward for information about the incident. Hmm, shot on Sunday, reported on Wednesday. By KPTV's standards, doesn't that count as "Breaking News?"

Some douchebags with spray paint have been putting graffiti on the government buildings in Corvallis.

Some folks thought it would be a good idea to take a car for a test drive, make the salesman get out and drive off in the car. A cop was nearby and witnessed the incident. Suddenly, it wasn't such a good idea. Car thieves go bye-bye.

A woman who wears weird-looking glasses (going by her mug shot) took the police on a high-speed (over 100 MPH) chase.

Break.

There was a spill of diesel fuel in Oregon City, resulting in over $100,000 in improvements (sorry, old joke).

Since it seems to be Hydrocarbon Spill Night, there was also a propane leak near Dallas, Oregon.

A "Norwalk-like virus" has been detected in a summer camp (didn't catch where, sorry).

A pedestrian was killed near Milwaukie, Oregon, not Milwaukee, Wisconsin. (If I keep saying it, KPTV might eventually figure out the difference between how the names of the two towns are spelled.)

An assault on a Tri-Met platform is being investigated by the police.

A court date is upcoming for an alleged flasher in Tigard. He has been arrested for this sort of offense before.

Remember the story about the deadly fire in Beaverton from yesterday? In case you forgot, we got another story about it.

The fire department has determined that the fire in the Gresham lady's RV from yesterday was set. So, the voices in her head were right after all!

Meth Watch

*We were told about Angela Devine, an alleged "success story" in the War Against Meth. Angie is pregnant and decided somewhere along the way that she wanted her unborn child to have hands rather than flippers so she stopped using meth. She sacrificed being on Cops for the health of her child. You have to respect that.

Crime at Campgrounds. Say, here's a Fun Fact: Sometimes, people in campgrounds get robbed. Here's a tip: Stay alert. There will be more on Wake The Fuck Up, Oregon or whatever they call that breakfast show KPTV runs.

Lance Armstrong will be in Portland in September for a Livestrong Ride sponsored by Nike. It's an anti-cancer fundraising thing, as you probably guessed. Selfless employer of Third World children, Phil Knight, was shown, selflessly self-promoting. What a guy. He's the Bono of sneakers.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

*We saw a picture of the female soldier from Oregon who died in Iraq earlier this week.

*That helicopter crash I picked on KPTV for not reporting yesterday? They finally found some time inbetween the identity theft stories and the American Idol cross-promotions to report on it. The 17 soldiers onboard the copter are believed to be dead. Eh, no reason to rush that to air.

*Portland told the Feds to screw off by leaving the Joint Task Force on Terrorism. Um, didn't that happen like two months ago?

*The new design for the Freedom Tower, to replace the World Trade Center buildings, was unveiled on Wednesday. It looks like someone took one of the old towers, pulled on it and twisted it about 90 degrees. It's all high-techie and stuff AND it's going to be 1776 feet tall 'cause if it wasn't, the terrorists would win...or something. They hate us for our meaningless symbolism, you know.

Break.

Next, Shauna Parsons told us about Apple's new podcasting software, completely baffling an audience still struggling to master their TV remote controls.

Following up on that story, we then got to hear about the "Blackberry craze." Man, that KPTV "news" show is right on the cutting edge--if this is 2003. Up next: how to protect your computer from the Y2K bug.

In a charming piece of cross-promotion, we were told that Get Your Ass Out Of Bed and Go Apply For Unemployment, Oregon will have a story in the morning about pet-friendly travel.

The promos for the next story told us that it would give us some water rescue tips. Imagine my disappointment when it really didn't other than to say that we should wear a life vest. As if after a steady diet of KPTV "news" show fear mongering, I would ever leave the house without wearing water wings, a bullet-proof vest and a Boba Fett helmet!

Weather. Break.

Final Cut (incorporating News Across America)

*Shootout with the cops in Kansas City, Missouri was Caught On Camera.

*An escaped inmate in Chicago allegedly robbed a bank shortly after his breakout. Caught On Camera? You know it, Stud.

*The fire department was hampered in its attempt to douse a house fire because the owner threatened the fire fighters with a knife. This happened in Massachusetts.

*An expensive boat went up in flames in Maryland. How expensive? $380,000, that's how expensive.

*A truck drove into a business in Miami. Caught. On. Camera.

*There's beer all over the highway in Newton, Mass.

*Racist vandals went cuckoo with spray paint in Delaware.

*A Zamboni driver at an ice rink in New Jersey was drunk and drove erratically. This happened last Sunday. If it had been a drunk monkey driving the Zamboni, KPTV would have made room for it the same day. That kind of news sense is why they get the big bucks.

*Who says KPTV never covers the important stories? A young woman was using the pit toilet at a state park in Manchester, New Hampshire. She happened to look down and what to her wondering eyes should appear but the face of a man looking up at her. This freak was down in the you-know-what, wearing waders. The door to the pit was locked so the cops figure he climbed down through the toilet.

Uh oh, here's that Breaking News logo again! Jamie Wilson is in Milwaukie to tell us that the search for Matel Sanchez now involves a plane with night vision equipment.

*The manufacturer has recalled some body armor made of Zylon which has the bad habit of degrading if it gets wet (not a good trait for anything sold in Oregon). Some of the vests were tested at the police firing range in Sandy. The tested units held up.

*The feds have determined that Teflon contains a "likely" carcinogen. Nothing like taking a stand, huh? Personally, I like a little likely carcinogen with my over-easies.

*What do I keep telling you people about how the least important story in any given KPTV "news" cast is almost invariably the longest? Tonight's piece on do-it-yourself chemical peels didn't disappoint. What would possess a woman to put ACID on her own face? Isn't that what happened to the Joker from Batman?? WTF!!

Hollywood Buzz

*A recent poll (which I just made up this minute) has determined that a total of 6 people over the age of 40 know who Gwen Stefani is. Inspite of that, however, the looks-like-Madonna-circa-Like A Virgin singer is going on tour this Fall to support her new album and line of something-or-other.

*Pneumatic actress Jennifer Tilley won a celebrities-vs.-pros poker tournament to the tune of 150 large ones.

*Johnny Depp is pushing his new movie in which he plays Willy Wonka. In my humble opinion, if there ever was a movie that didn't need a remake, it's Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. That goes for King Kong, also. I understand Depp tried out for the title role in that one, too.

Final Cut ended with 2 seconds left on the Inexplicable Countdown Clock. That Wayne Garcia is more than just a pretty face, you know.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Still nothing about Canada legalizing gay marriage on a national basis. Aren't we afraid of catching homophilia if the wind blows to the South?

*OK, let's put the jokes and sarcasm aside for a moment here. Isn't it pretty pathetic for a "news" show to not have a single word about the White House and Capitol being temporarily evacuated because of a small plane in the "no fly zone" over downtown D.C.? Not. One. Word.

*Republican Robin Hayes, Vice Chairman of the House subcommittee on Terrorism, said on TV that Saddam Hussein was directly linked to the 9/11 attacks. Even the President has admitted that there is no evidence for the notion that Hussein had anything to do with them. You might want to check your voice mail more often, Congressman Hayes. You're off message, Mister.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

What's that smell? Did the cat forget to ask to go out? Nope, it's just the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show.

Top Story: Surprise Attack. 2 men beat up a 16 year-old in Milwaukie. As part of the attack, they shaved some of his hair off, so "reporter" David Frietas had, naturally, a razor as his prop for this story. You can't do news without props, right? Anyway, the boy's family is moving out of fear.

You have to hand it to KPTV on this one. Other news operations might have covered the story last week when it actually happened. Not KPTV, though. They know that news, like wine, just gets better with age. It's not STALE news, it's VINTAGE!

There was a deadly fire in Beaverton. 1 person is dead and 14 have been displaced.

There was an officer-involved shooting in Milwaukie. The cop is on paid leave as is standard operating policy in most police forces these days.

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight was Nick Walter. Naughty Nick was arrested 8 days ago. The cops, however, failed to realize that he was wanted in another state so they released him. Now they want him back. Come back, Nick, come back.

A burglar is on the loose in Aloha, Oregon. We got to hear some KPTV operative ask a neighbor of the victim, from off-camera, "This surprise you?" You're letting us see the man behind the curtain, KPTV. You sure you want to do that? By the way, Mr. Neighbor said something about it being a quiet neighborhood, which to me qualifies as a "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment.

A female suspect in a robbery is in jail. Well...good.

A father is under arrest for allegedly putting whiskey in his son's root beer. The kid had three times the legal blood alcohol level. This would have been the perfect KPTV "news" story if the kid had been pulled over for speeding on his Big Wheel.

We heard the 911 call for a fire in Gresham. A lady who seems to have made a pain in the ass of herself by repeatedly calling 911 about perceived problems at a local park found her new RV on fire. The flames spread to the house, damaging the wall. The RV is toast to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. The lady, of course, thinks the fire was set by someone who resents her calls.

Break.

eBay Scam: "Reporter" Jamie Wilson was in the newsroom to tell us about a lady in Vancouver, Washington who tried to sell an old juke box on eBay. There was some mishegas about the buyer being in the Netherlands but wanting the juke box to go to Nigeria. She got scammed into sending $2100 to a fake shipping company. Bye-bye $2100.

The family of Kendra James had their civil suit against the city for Ms. James' death at the hands of the Portland police rejected.

Next we got a story about road rage. I'd tell you more but sometimes I can't decipher my own hastily-scribbled notes. I think there was a gun involved. At least what I wrote looks like "gun."

Meth Watch. You thought there wouldn't be a Meth Watch segment tonight? Get real. 34 people were arrested in Yamhill County. I guess after you've gone to the Indian casino, there really isn't anything else to do in Yamhill County other than making meth.

Oh, Melanie Souther is officially a bad mother. Something to do with meth making, also.

Remember the climber who fell down Mt. McLoughlin last week? The autopsy came out. Cause of death? Falling down a mountain.

The mayor of Portland is advocating a dime-a-beer fee. I guess "fee" is the new euphemism for "tax." Oh, the "fee" wouldn't apply to Oregon-based microbrewers. Nice job of pandering there, Mr. Mayor. The "fee" is supposed to go to fighting, in some vague, unspecified way, meth use. OK, so we're going to put a TAX (sorry!) on the single most abused drug in America to fight drug use. That makes sense.

Northwest Tonight

*At least 50 bald eagles have been slaughtered in Vancouver, British Columbia. Native Americans (Native Canadians?) are the suspects; some of the tribes use the feathers in rituals.

Man, KPTV must have been really hard-up for "news" tonight; I've never seen them resort to doing a story about Canada in the Northwest Tonight segment.

Break.

Pump Patrol. Gas is averaging $2.24/gallon in Portland this week. They could have mentioned the fact that gasoline just passed $60/barrel for the first time in history, but that would constitute context, which the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show avoids like Dracula avoids mirror factories.

Holiday Travel: AAA predicts that more people will be on the roads this upcoming holiday weekend than ever before. Again, the context might be that people can't afford more expensive air travel and are taking short trips in lieu of the longer trips they would have taken if gas were cheaper, but that's just speculation on my part.

Fight For Iraq

*Oregon has now suffered its first loss of a female soldier in Iraq.

*We got a recap of President Bush's speech from earlier tonight.

*The Department of Defense has set up some website to do something or other for the families of those in the military. The story didn't bother to give the website's address.

Um, am I loopy or didn't a helicopter go down in Iraq, killing 15 to 20 troops? Eh, no news there!

War On Terror

*"KPTV's William LaJeunesse" (who actually works for Fox News Channel) brought us this pathetic fear piece about how terrorists might deploy car bombs on the West Coast. Yes, they might, but they might also put plastic explosives up the butts of trained dogs and send them to the doorway of the White House, as a crazy guy I knew when I worked outside 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. told me he'd like to do (this was during the Clinton years, so don't worry).

We got to see some guy from the LAPD training soldiers who were about to go to Iraq about car bombing. Um, since there are car bombings all the time in Iraq, that makes sense but it's a long way from that to claiming that stuff is going to start going KABOOM! on Hollywood Boulevard anytime soon. Fox News Channel traffics in fact-free fear-mongering, though, so I'd expect a piece of paranoid shit like this from LaJeunesse. Yellow journalism is one thing, deliberately trying to frighten your audience is another. Everyone involved with putting this on the air should immediately find the tallest bridge around and jump off it. Hey, they'd be guaranteed to make the KPTV "news" show that way!

Weather. Break.

Final Cut (yes, with the countdown clock!)

News Across America

*Dateline Memphis: some men stole an ATM by pulling it out of the store with their truck. The stupid losers didn't think that the ubiquitous security camera would capture their license plate, though.

*An Ohio ambulance driver was caught using dead people's credit cards to buy stuff. Apparently, that's illegal. Go figure.

*In Torrance, California, burglars are knocking on the doors of houses before they sneak in and rob stuff. This was treated as if it was unusual. Um, I don't think so; most burglars don't want to have to deal with the residents of the homes they rob so they try to find out if anyone is home before they break in.

*The victim of a carjacking took exception to something at the trial of his opponent and went a little loopy in Syracuse, New York. A brawl ensued. It was---say it with me now--Caught On Camera.

*In the second of two recent shark attacks in Florida, the boy who was attacked lost his leg.

*Speaking of sharks, a dead one washed up on shore at Rockaway Beach, New York City. A crowd of bathers gathered around--and stole the shark's wallet and watch.

*There was a fire at a Bible museum in Dallas. Hey, God's will! Maybe that's a clue from the Big G. about that whole "anti-evolution" thing.

*An immigrant-looking lady gave birth to a baby on a highway in Miami on the way to the hospital. After the 50th one, are these "giving birth on the way to the hospital" stories really "news" anymore?

*A BIG baby--13 pounds!--was born in "Milwaukie" Wisconsin. Hey, KPTV, I keep telling you, the town in Wisconsin is spelled MilwaukEe! Don't make me say this again!

*2 TV "reporters" doing a story about gators in the Miami area ended up wrestling with one of the prehistoric throwbacks. Didn't anyone teach them in journalism school that reporters aren't supposed to be the story? Wait, did I just use TV "reporters" and journalism school in the same sentence??

*A bear went wild in Tucson, Arizona. The story said he had a bad tooth. The animal wranglers waited for the tooth to get better before releasing Yogi into the woods, which my wife pointed out meant that the part of the story about the bear "going wild" had to be weeks old (teeth don't heal overnight, folks).

*Multnomah County wants to strap some kind of Global Positioning System thingie to parolees. Gee, if KPTV can tie into that system somehow, they'll never miss a "sexual predator doesn't report in" story!

*Next we got a long story about some mail-in DNA test thing that is supposed to let pregnant women know the gender of their baby early in their pregnancy. "KPTV's Liz Brunner" [sp?] was the reporter on this story, although the observant viewer would have noticed the "5"on her mic flag.

*Paula Abdul has found a cause she can get behind: stronger regulations for nail salons! Remember when Paula was wearing a big bandage on her hand on American Idol? Well, she suffered a bad manicure. Isn't there some way America can pay her reparations for her sacrifice in the name of self-absorption?

Hollywood Buzz

*Russell Crowe is going to court over his recent phone-throwing tantrum in a New York City. hotel. Sheesh, isn't it enough that the man apologized on the Letterman show? What do you sadists want, a pound of flesh?

*Starbucks is going to be the exclusive outlet for a CD of 10 previously-unreleased Bob Dylan songs from early in his career. Reached for comment, Dylan said "mumble mumble mumble [unintelligible] mumble."

Final Cut ended with 12 seconds left on the Inscrutable Countdown Clock. Nice work, Wayne Garcia.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Canada has become the third country to legalize gay marriage.

*A Chinook helicopter went down in Afghanistan, killing approximately two dozen American soldiers. Gee, if only KPTV's "news" had a segment about the war where they could cover stuff like this.

*The UN is claiming that the United States is running secret prisons on Navy ships in the Indian Ocean.

Hey, quit your bitching! You got that story about Paula Abdul, didn't you?

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Yadda yadda yadda.

Top Story: A middle school in Portland was vandalized. a 31-year-old guy was caught in the process. He's from out of the area. Millions of people in the Portland area, the largest metro area in the entire state of Oregon and this is the top story? If any of these people put "journalist" on their tax form in the "occupation" space, they should be arrested for lying on a federal form.

Next, there was a "shooting spree" on Stark St. Locals were shocked. Don't the KPTV "news" people ever get tired of soliciting almost the exact same responses to crime from people on the street day after day, story after story?

A knife fight in Salem resulted in 2 people being arrested. Many were said to have been involved.

A burglar was arrested in Hillsboro but only after said burglar jumped through a window.

Will there be a statewide sex offender database? The legislature will vote on this on Monday. If the bill passes, the database will be operational in July 2006.

Meth Watch: Cowlitz County is considering a special sales tax to fight meth. Anyone want to bet me that it does absolutely squat to curb meth use?

Speaking of Cowlitz County, we heard again about the plane that crashed there the other day.

Speaking of plane crashes, one went down in Madras, Oregon. Yesterday. Hey, KPTV, if you're going to do tabloid "news" (and it appears no force on Earth can stop you), can't you at least get the blood 'n' guts stories on the air the same day they happen?? Sleazy and lazy is no way to go through life.

Northwest Tonight

*"KPTV's Nicole Sanchez" brought us a story about a shooting death in King County, Washington.

*A caiman, a really really big lizard, was caught in Eugene.

Yes, those really are the stories KPTV thought were the most important in the entire Northwest! A big lizard is loose in Eugene! Stop the presses!

Break.

News Across America

*2 of the suspects in the Natalee Holloway missing person case were released. Uh, since this happened in Aruba, how does this qualify as "News Across America?" Yeah, yeah, I know Natalee Holloway is American. The "news," however, didn't happen in America. Just saying.

*Swimmers are back in the water after the shark attack on Saturday in Florida.

*Again, we heard about the runaway car in Detroit from Saturday. Same video of the same guy talking about the car hitting the little girl across the street from where it had been getting worked on. What did I say about "sleazy and lazy?"

*A house collapsed in Atlanta.

*A plane went down into Lake Huron. There were no injuries.

*It seems to be National Small Planes Going Down Month or something; a small plane made an emergency landing on a highway in West Virginia.

World Tonight

*Tons of drugs were destroyed in Afghanistan. I'm sure that will stop drug use in this country right in its tracks. 'Cause, you know, there's no way they can make more drugs! My prediction: if this has any effect at all, it will be to drive up the price of illegal drugs, causing more crime as a result. Supply and demand, folks.

*Some gorillas were named in Rwanda. This is intended to become an annual event to encourage tourism. I know there's nothing that would make me want to visit a horribly impoverished area like a gorilla naming ceremony. Book me a suite in the Hotel Rwanda, stat!

Anchor Shauna Parsons said that these were the same gorillas seen in the movie "Gorillas In The Mist." Um, I don't think so. The movie was released in 1988 and the gorillas in the "news" story looked pretty young. Maybe they just watch their diets or had some "work" done. I suspect what Shauna meant was that they were the same type of gorilla as in the movie. Eh, details.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

*2 attacks in Iraq have resulted in dozens of deaths. This story, of course, got about 30-45 seconds of airtime.

*It has been reported that the U.S. is negotiating with some of the insurgents in Iraq. This is in direct contradiction to what the administration has said in the past: that it would never negotiate with them. Does that qualify as a "flip flop?"

War On Terror

*We got another story about members of Congress visiting Gitmo and finding that conditions have improved. I said it yesterday, but I'll repeat it: I thought things there were just dandy, so what could have "improved?" Did they come up with a new glaze for the orange chicken?

Am I the only one who thinks that, just maybe, when the visit from the "home office" was announced, the people who run Gitmo straightened up a bit? Is it cynical to suggest that, again just maybe, the visit was done the way it was for precisely that reason, so that Rush Limbaugh and others on the right in the media could proclaim that everything is just dandy in Gitmo?

Break.

*Billy Graham, evangelist and documented anti-Semite (he and Nixon were Caught On Tape, as KPTV likes to say, dissing the Chosen People in the 70's), held what may be his last crusade in New York's Flushing Meadow Park, the site of the 1964-1965 World's Fair. Mr. Holier Than Thou is 86. "KPTV's Rebecca Gomez" brought us this story.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

Hey, no countdown clock again! Clock or no clock--make up your mind, KPTV!

*Miami is instituting a new law concerning sex offenders. They won't be allowed to live near a school. 40 other cities in Florida are considering similar laws. A lawyer made the point that such a law would make it difficult for people who have paid their debt to society to find anyplace to live, not that that will sway anyone's opinion, of course. We can't let logic and reason infect the legislative process! Sheesh. This story was brought to us by "KPTV's Orlando Salinas."

*Los Angeles is planning to put locator bracelets on all its prisoners. They will let prison officials know where an inmate is and who he or she is near.

Fire Season 2005: Gunlock, Utah--yes, Gunlock, Utah--is in danger from wildfires.

Hollywood Buzz

*Ventriloquist Paul Winchell, creator of the Jerry Mahoney and Knucklehead Smiff dummies and the inventor of an artificial heart (among other accomplishments) has died at age 82. His daughter April has a poignant statement about his death on her blog, aprilwinchell.com .

*Actor George Clooney was honored by someone for something.

*Director George A. Romero has a new movie, Land of the Dead, out. For some reason, KPTV thought this reason enough to do a long story about the movie and his career. It's not even a Fox movie. I've noted in the past that the longest story on any given KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show i susually about something which has absolutely no impact on the average viewer's life. Guess what. This story was longer than just about anything else on the show tonight. Seriously, how can you blow off the damn WAR in 45 seconds and spend three or four minutes on a zombie movie??

Oh, by the way, they hyped this story by talking about the "big bucks" Land of the Dead is raking in. In the actual "news" cast, however, they said that LOOD was the Number Five movie over the weekend (not exactly "big bucks" in Hollywood terms). Later, on the radio news, I heard that it was SEVENTH. One or both of those statistics has to be wrong. This story was brought to us by "KPTV's Anita Vogel."

*The annual "Good in the Neighborhood" festival was held in Northeast Portland. This is apparently a celebration of diversity.

*Speaking of "long and irrelevant to the average viewer's life," the last piece (other than the sports and the top of the hour recap) was a several minute-long infomercial for an indoor BMX track in Milwaukie. I have nothing against the existance of this track; in fact, I think it's good to provide safe places for kids to play and compete. I just object to the length of time devoted to fluff like this when things which are really important--like the war--get blown off in less than a minute.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*America is back in the business of making plutonium. We haven't done that since the end of the Cold War. Plutonium is used in the manufacture of nuclear bombs. Make of that what you will.

*Since religious fanatic Attorney General John Ashcroft has returned to private life, the blue curtain has been removed from in front of the bare-breasted statue of Justice in D.C.

*Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said on Sunday that the U.S. could be stuck in Iraq for as long as another 15 years. Remember when the administration said that the war would last "weeks, not months?" Ah, those were the days, huh?

Saturday, June 25, 2005

I remembered something Saturday. A while back, KPTV used to have a guy (whose name slips my mind at the moment) who they called their "Washington bureau." He did stories about the federal government, usually while standing on the National Mall in D.C. with the Capitol Building behind him.

Yeah, although they pulled their usual "KPTV's So and So" crap when he was really a guy who made a living by selling segments to several stations around the country (I found that out by Googling his name, back when I remembered it), at least they make an attempt to put something with a national perspective on their air. He seems to have vanished from KPTV's 10 o'clock "news" show some months ago. Too bad. I guess there's just no room for something like that inbetween the stories about pederasts and ID thefts. Oh well.

Top Story: Wild Chase. A car thief shot at a cop and crashed the car he was driving. "Terry," the owner of a car the crook hit and damaged, was pissed, understandably. "Reporter" David Frietas used something that looked like part of a hubcap as his prop for this story.

Meth Watch. Randy Hendricks is going bye-bye. Meth. Oh, KPTV finally got around to telling us that the Oregon legislature passed that bill making cold medicines with pseudoephdrine available only to those with prescriptions.

A hiker from Washington state died in Oregon.

A hiker from Parts Unknown (as they used to say in pro wrestling) died in Southern Oregon.

Milking the story about the boy who died in the park in Salem one more time, KPTV told us that his mother and father held separate memorial services for him Saturday. Get the feeling there's something of a backstory here?

We next got a story about Tae-Kwon-Do self-defense classes for kids held in Wilsonville. They also hand out pamphlets about "What To Do Just In Case" and DNA kits. Jesus, what are we teaching our kids about the world around them? Yeah, bad stuff happens from time to time but sheesh.

I grew up in the Bronx, New York City and this reminds me of the time I visited my cousins in southern Illinois. Some of their friends asked me, with straight faces, how many times I had been mugged. They seemed shocked when I informed them that I had never been mugged and that neither had most people in New York City. If there is an evil to what KPTV does with its steady diet of blood and guts, it's to create the same kind of impression my cousins' friends had--that violent crime is out of control, getting worse with each passing day, that we are all in constant danger and must protect ourselves by any means necessary. That's just wrong.

A local priest is going to work at the Vatican and some folks want to know what he knows about child abuse in the Portland area by his peers before he leaves the U.S.

Toxic algae has been found in Hills Creek Reservoir. Oooo-wee-oooo [imagine a theramin like on a science-fiction soundtrack]

There was a "micro-earthquake" beneath Portland on Saturday. It measured 2.7 on the Richter scale.

Northwest Tonight

*The mayor of Spokane, Washington is in trouble. Gee, no kidding? KPTV largely ignored this story when it was white-hot and for some reason, tonight they mentioned it.

*Some dogs in Beaverton were attacked by a "beaver-like animal," believed to be a nutria, one of the larger members of the rodent family.

*A couple of baby hawks were rescued in Washington state.

And that, my friends, are the most important stories in the Great Northwest tonight.

Break.

America Tonight

*Fatal shark attack in Florida!

*The 3 missing boys in Camden, New Jersey were determined to have been accidentally asphyxiated in a car trunk. Oh, this story was brought to us by "KPTV's Rebecca Gomez."

*Again we were told about that team of volunteer searchers from Texas who are in Aruba to help look for Natalee Holloway, the missing attractive young white woman.

*A car some men were working on in Detroit slipped into reverse, shot across the street, went through a fence and hit a little girl.

*A small plane crashed in York County, Pennsylvania.

*A train derailed in Texas.

*A state trooper in Illinois forced a couple he pulled over to strip naked. Oh, this is the second time he's done that this year. Must be a strong police union in that state, huh?

*There was a shooting during a bank robbery in Oklahoma City. Does it seem to anyone else that there has been an increasing number of bank robberies lately? Why, it's almost as it the economy isn't quite as good as the administration claims! Nah, couldn't be.

*A monkey attacked a fast food worker at a drive-through in Kentucky. The owner said it had been her "privilege" to live with a monkey for the past year. O-kay.

*Catfish are crossing the road in Florida. To get to the other side, I assume.

World Tonight

*Deadly flooding in Beijing has claimed several people.

*Some yutz covered himself with bees in Ireland to try to make the Guinness Book. As he "only" managed to get a quarter-million bees on himself, he failed in his quest. Damn, I hate it when that happens!

And that, my friends, is the most important stuff that happened in the hundreds of countries on Planet Earth today.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

*A suicide bomber killed 6 people. 8 more died in another attack.

*A female National Guard soldier got a Silver Star.

War On Terror

*Some members of Congress went to Guantanamo to see how bad it is or isn't there for our prisoners. We were told that things there had improved of late. So, they were bad, contrary to what the administration has been saying?? I'm so confused.

*There's a crackdown going on to catch people with illegal licenses. Arrests were made in 4 states. We got the obligatory warning about how Al Qaeda *could* be using fake licenses to do unspecified bad stuff. Yeah, maybe, but isn't it a good idea in general to get people with fake licenses off the road, without invoking hypothetical terrorists?

Break.

We got another story about people using 911 for non-emergency situations. So, uh, don't do that at home, kids. Find out your local non-emergency number.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*There are kids who call themselves "Straight Edge," meaning that they don't use alcohol or drugs (my daughter is one of them, for the record). This is usually considered a good thing. For some reason, cops in Reno, Nevada and Utah are saying that Straight Edgers are a "street gang." It seems that some Straight Edge kids have gotten into fights, so that makes them a "gang." This story was brought to us by "KPTV's Claudia Cowan" who of course doesn't actually work for KPTV. She also said she was in San Francisco, which is interesting, given that the story was about Nevada and Utah.

*The state of Oregon is cracking down on speeders who exceed 100 MPH by imposing big fines of up to $1000. "Reporter" David Frietas was back, trading his hubcap for a set of car keys as the prop for this story. Oh, this was kind of funny: I happened to notice that one of the monitors in the KPTV "news" van behind Dave was set to another station. So, even the crew can't stand KPTV's "news" show either, huh?

Hollywood Buzz

*"KPTV's Bill McCuddy" (gee, they have a large staff, don't they?) gave us an absolutely vital story about Tom Cruise's ex-wife Nicole Kidman and his current squeeze Katie Holmes "having a feud." Uh, no, not exactly. The "feud" amounted to the fact that both women have movies currently in theaters. Yup, that was it. No evidence of bad blood between them at all, even if that did constitute "news" in some way.

As if to prove that TV news is completely irony-free, the piece concluded with Steven Spielberg talking about how gossip amounted to people trying to leech a living from the fame of others, like Tom Cruise. Nothing like indicting yourself within your own story, huh, "KPTV's Bill McCuddy"?

*Jamie Foxx has been invited to become a member of the Motion Picture Academy.

*Supermodel Elle McPherson is single again. At last, my chance has arrived!

*The Live 8 concerts on July 2 are "available" to something like 5 billion people. I would point out that being "available" doesn't mean that anywhere near that number of people will watch or listen to them.

*Monday is World Refugee Day. Damn, I didn't buy a card! Anyway, there was some kind of diversity celebration at Portland State University and KPTV was there. Judging from the carefully-chosen camera angles, it was very sparsely attended. I really hate when TV news shows do that. If there's a small crowd at an event, that's part of the story, says me. Show it as it is for better or worse.

Lastly, the American Cancer Society held a "Relay For Life," whatever that is. I gathered that people, some of them cancer survivors, ran around a track. I'm assuming that people donated money depending on how many laps they ran or something. Sorry, I get a little numb to details after being barraged with the doom 'n' gloom and celebrity irrelevancy of the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Hey, KPTV schmucks, might it be prudent to tell your audience that the ultra-conservative mayor of Tehran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has won Iran’s presidential election run-off?

*Oh, how about the fact that the airport in Baghdad is closed indefinitely?

*The IRS may have lost information on millions of taxpayers. You didn't hear about that on KPTV. There was that fast-breaking story about the non-existant Kidman-Holmes "feud" taking up valuable air time instead.

*Oh, I probably shouldn't even bother to mention it but the Supreme Court ruled that local governments can seize your land to make room for private development! Jesus H. Christ!! Nah, no news value in that story!

*If they felt they had to do a Tom Cruise-related story, why didn't they talk about how he went kind of nuts on the Today Show on Friday, arguing with co-host Matt Lauer about psychoactive drugs. Cruise, a member of the Scientology cult, is against the use of the medications.

*How about the fact that pressure from members of Congress, both Democrats and Republicans, is increasing on President Bush to announce a timetable for troop withdrawal in Iraq? That sound like a story to you losers?

*OR how about Congress defying the administration by giving the Corporation for Public Broadcasting the money Bush wanted to deny it?

Hey, Channel 12 "news" people: Here's a tip for you--some stories don't come to you via the police scanner!

Friday, June 24, 2005

The Wheel O' Mayhem called the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" just keeps a spinnin'.

Top Story: A woman named Jennifer (we saw only her shadow in this story) caught a Peeping Tom masturbating underneath her window in Southeast Portland. She chased him and he got away. Ok, honestly, this is the "top" (as in "most important") story of the day in Portland, a metropolitan area of millions of people? Really?

Harold Shoemaker, the suspect in the murder of Mr. Gaddis, the father of Miranda, the young girl who went missing a couple of years ago, entered a plea of not guilty in court on Friday. It seems Shoemaker and the victim were both involved with Lora Moyers who is in jail on "unrelated charges" (unspecified in the story). Oh, she's a looker, that Lora (who was "speaking out" as one of KPTV's favorite phrases goes). She fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down. But I digress.

The cops staged a prostitution sting in Northeast Salem. Apparently the area has been prone to hooking of late. Fortunately for the KPTV "news" team there is a school nearby to where the girls have been plying their trade--they just love to mention the proximity of a school in all crime stories. The "reporter" claimed to have found a syringe in the grass so that just PROVES that where there's prostitution, there's drugs. Did I mention that there was a SCHOOL nearby?

We got the names of the 3 people in the plane which crashed in Yamhill the other day. The pilot and 1 of the passengers has died; the other passenger is still alive.

The owner of the ranch which has the runway on which the plane crashed says it is dangerous. Um, wouldn't it be a good idea to shut it down, then? Just saying.

There is a memorial service planned for the teenage boy who died in the park in Salem the other day. Just an excuse to do another story about a dead kid, I say. "Danger, [insert your name in place of Will Robinson], danger!"

Meth Watch: 2 people were arrested in St. Helens. One of them is alleged to have been the source of something like 90% of the meth in the area. *sniff* Hmm, what's that? Ah, bullshit! My prediction: this guy goes in the stir and there is NO drop in the availability of meth.

Break.

Tsunami Ready: The small coastal town of Rockaway Beach, which depends heavily on tourism, has sirens ready to go in the event of a tsunami alert.

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight is Anita Meyers, sex offender. You know the drill: she's missing and they "just thought you should know." Someone thought they saw her with a skateboard. No kidding.

Would-be burglar Todd Graham was bitten by a canine (I refuse to type "K-9") officer. He was also beaten by his victim. Did Todd's horoscope say that he was going to have a bad day?

Thanks to a bond issue that didn't pass, Clackamas County has to reduce its jail space. Let the bitching begin!

Some numbnuts drove 120 MPH on I-5 and got caught anyway.

A 9-time DUII'er got caught (again) near Oregon City. Um, how many does it take before they revoke your license??

Speaking of DUII's, Rene Canas and Jordan Brisbin got busted for the same offense.

A woman fell off a cliff in a state park and died.

A man fell down Mt. Hood and died.

2 women went to jail for abusing a corpse. They didn't die.

Break.

Northwest Tonight

*A boy died at a scout camp near Boise, Idaho.

*A teenage boy died of an overdose of cough medicine in Bellingham, Washington. His parents are mad at the website that sold the stuff to him. Understandable, I guess, but maybe they should have been paying a little more attention to his activities.

Break.

Comcast is now offering so-called Voice Over IP phone service to its customers in Portland. It's a little different from the usual VOIP service because it uses a proprietary system rather than the Internet.

A second "mad cow" has been found in America. Officials say that there is no danger to the public, though, because this cow was a "downer" (a cow that couldn't walk) and therefore wasn't going to be in the food chain. Uh huh. That may explain THAT cow, but what about the next one?

Fire Season 2005: "KPTV's Adam Housley" gave us a story from Carefree, Arizona (rather misnamed right now) about the fires ravaging the area.

In a related story, wildfire sensors are being tested in California. They're solar-powered so they should be functional for decades to come.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut (incorporating News Across America)

*The 3 missing boys in Camden, New Jersey were found dead in the trunk of a car. Very sad.

*Young, attractive, white, blond woman Natalee Holloway is still missing in Aruba. A volunteer search team from Texas is heading there to help look for her. There are still no charges in the case.

*There were big explosions at a factory in St. Louis, Missouri. BIG explosions! No injuries, though.

*A guy trying to rob a story in Alabama was Caught On Tape. Whoop dee doo.

*A 79-year-old woman killed her 85-year-old boyfriend because he was keeping time with another woman. These old people today and their loose morals!

*A boy was attacked by a lion and tiger at the home of a friend of his dad's. The friend keeps exotic animals as pets. This happened in Minnesota.

*A woman allegedly locked her son in the basement of their home while she went out to protect him from the dogs which were in heat. The boy got out of the basement and the dogs mauled him. Oddly, the authorities took exception to that and charged her with a crime. Go figure.

World Tonight

*We saw video of a riot between "squatters" and cops in Mexico. The "squatters" were living in a nature preserve and the cops were making them move out. As you would expect, KPTV gave us no real context for this story; my guess is that these were very poor people who were "squatting" there because they have no other place to live.

*A leopard got a root canal in Kenya.

And that was everything that happened anywhere on planet Earth worth reporting on in the past 24 hours. It must be, right, otherwise they would have reported on it. OR it could just be the shit that there happens to be compelling video of available. You decide.

Meth Watch (didn't we do this already tonight?)

*Jamie Wilson was in the KPTV "news" van for this human interest story about one ex-junkie who is trying to help a friend who has relapsed back into meth use. You may think I'm skimming over the details of this story but I'm really not. That was about it--one young woman is trying to help another young woman.

"KPTV's Julie Vallese" brought us a story that looked a lot like promotion for the insurance industry. It was about new crash tests for cars and SUV's. Some industry shill was on camera to tell us about how inadequate bumpers cost insurance companies money. No mention was made of the injury to actual humans that inadequate bumpers might cause, just the money that insurance companies have to lay out. Screw 'em!

Hollywood Buzz

*Action movie star Jet Li was injured the other day in a movie fall.

*Christie's is going to auction off some of Marlon Brando's personal effects, including his copy of the Godfather script.

*Carrie What's Her Name, who won American Idol this season, has a new single out which has hit Number One on the charts. This story was on the "news," in my opinion, solely because American Idol airs on KPTV. It isn't news, not in an America still at war, for Chrissakes!

Speaking of that, did you notice that there was no Fight For Iraq or War On Terror segments tonight? They had time to tell you about a leopard who got a fucking root canal, but no time to talk about the ongoing war or the growing political divisions it is causing.

Oh, by the way, this piece of shit excuse for a "news" show is claiming that the Society of Professional Journalists has declared it the "Best Newscast in the Northwest." Are you kidding me?? A half-assed "news" show that reports on orthodonture for wild animals and ignores a WAR is the best we have? Shoot me now.

When I was a radio personality in the Allentown, Pennsylvania back in the 80's I was very impressed when I heard that a local car lot was a "Gold Medal Chevy Dealer," thinking that it was an award from General Motors signifying high standards. Then I found out that it was a promotional campaign available to any Chevy dealer with $50,000 to spend. Is the SPJ's "Best Newscast" award the same kind of deal? I'm starting to wonder.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

Tonight's sampling is brought to you by my wife, Chrissy, who shares my disgust with the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show.

AP - A suicide car bomber and gunmen ambushed a convoy carrying female U.S. Marines in Fallujah, killing two Marines and leaving another four American troops presumed dead, the military said Friday. At least one woman was killed and 11 of 13 wounded were female.

AP - The hardline Tehran mayor steamrolled over one of Iran's best-known statesman to win the presidency Saturday in a landslide election victory that cements conservative control over the nation's political leadership.

AP - An Italian judge on Friday ordered the arrests of 13 CIA officers for secretly transporting a Muslim preacher from Italy to Egypt as part of U.S. anti-terrorism efforts — a rare public objection to the practice by a close American ally.

AP - A suicide car bomber slammed into a U.S. convoy in Fallujah, killing two Marines, a Pentagon spokesman said Friday. Another four troops were listed as missing after the attack, pending positive identification, leaving open the possibility that they may also be dead.

AP - President Bush assured Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari on Friday "there are not going to be any timetables" for withdrawal of American forces and vowed victory over insurgents attempting to prevent establishment of a democratic government under a new constitution.

AP - The top American commander in the Persian Gulf told Congress on Thursday that the Iraqi insurgency has not grown weaker over the past six months, despite a claim by Vice President Dick Cheney that it was in its "last throes."

...Back to me. I have a prediction to make. Take a look at this: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/tfr/80690708.html
Now keep it in mind so you recognize it if and when you see it as a "news" story on KPTV.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Jesus, don't the KPTV "news" team people EVER get tired of the "interrupt the Top Story with 'Breaking News'" gag? Well, apparently not, because they broke it out yet again tonight.

Breaking News: A plane crashed at Yamhill; at least 3 people were injured. A reporter is "on the way."

Back to our Top Story: a 16 year-old student was stabbed near Ft. Vancouver High School in Vancouver, Washington. Yeah, that's a story, but since it happened Wednesday morning, is it really a Top Story? Nothing else happened in the 36+ hours since? The victim is OK, but the question is raised of whether a gang was involved or not. Scare tactic? Looks like it to me.

This story was notable for one thing though. I've wondered many times about how they so often manage to get people to utter something along the lines of "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" when they're interviewed about a crime in their vicinity. I've suspected that they somehow lead the people into the comment.

Well, for whatever reason, in the course of this story, we got to hear the off-camera interviewer (probably not one of the KPTV "reporters" but an intern or camera operator) asking a child who goes to the school where the stabbing happened "Do you expect that around here?" Ah, the cat's out of the bag! As I suspected, they do lead their men-on-the-street into making the "You don't expect that..." comments. I love it when I'm right!

This may seem somewhat inconsequential, but I think there's an important point to be made here. The thrust of the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show is to frighten the viewer; they want you to think that terrible, violent crime is occurring all around you, every minute of every day. The purpose of leading people into making a "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" comment is to "prove" to the viewer in a subtle way that offensive, intrusive crime can happen to you, even if you think you live in a safe area. If you're looking for an "agenda" in the news, this is the perfect example of one. It's sleazy and manipulative and it should stop immediately.

There was a deadly shooting in Milwaukie; the victim was Jason Gaddis, the father of Miranda Gaddis, one of the two girls who were murdered by Ward Weaver about two years ago. This is a seriously troubled family, I'd say.

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight featured a very odd police sketch of a person who looked vaguely like Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka. Is he wanted for abuse of Veruca Salt? Oh, we got a twofer of Most Wanteds. Anita Meyers is a sex offender who has moved without notifying her parole officer. Bad Miranda, bad.

Ray Gresham broke into a home after he crashed his car across the street while being chased by the cops. The lady of the house (who we saw in silhouette) told Ray that she was pregnant and asked him not to hurt her. He hid in the house for a while but obeyed her request. Aww, the guy has a heart of gold! Anyway, he got taken away eventually, but isn't it nice that he has a city named after him?

Teacher Robert Peck allegedly had oral sex with a student. At a school for the blind! He told the student it was a new kind of Braille. OK, I made that last part up.

An "explosive device" was found at a Washington rest area. They showed a picture of the thing which looked like a toy hand grenade to me. Damned if I wasn't right again! It was a toy hand grenade, albeit one with a firecracker inside it.

There was a heroin bust in Longview.

There was also a meth bust in Longview. Why, Longview, why? Why must you hurt?

The Oregon legislature is debating a proposed law that would require a prescription to obtain medicine containing pseudoephedrine. My prediction: if passed, this law does nothing to curb the meth problem but does increase the number of people one sees walking around with runny noses.

Break.

The autopsy for the teen boy who was found dead in a pond in a Salem park hasn't been released yet. We got to hear the 911 call by the woman who found the body, though. Like that was necessary.

The father of the baby who was abandoned at a church the other day is under arrest. It sounded as if he legitimately might not have known that his girlfriend/wife/baby's momma walked away from the boy. This story was brought to us by our old friend "KPTV's Keli Mcalister" (who still looks far more Asian than Celtic).

Some wacky-looking lady in Yamhill (apparently the new Small Town Crime Capital of America) was sentenced for animal neglect.

A man in Kelso was arrested for allegedly stealing and reselling gasoline. He had big-ass tanks in his vehicle that he'd allegedly fill up using a stolen credit card.

A bill allowing gay unions was passed by the state legislature. This will almost certainly be challenged by conservative groups.

Vista House which overlooks the Columbia Gorge has reopened to the public. I'm sure it has some historical importance, of which I am blissfully unaware. It's kind of round and on the top of a hill, though.

A scientist has invented non-toxic wood glue. This story was touted as having some connection to the Oregon coast because the glue is based somehow on the way mussels attach themselves to rocks. O-kay.

Fight For Iraq

*A suicide bomber in Tikrit (Saddam's hometown) is going to get to meet Allah. Unfortunately, he took a few other people along with him.

*An oil pipeline was blown up.

*The Prime Minister of Somewhereistan met with Vice-President Cheney in Washington, D.C. He's set to meet with Bush next.

Break.

Dirty Dining

Yeah, it's Thursday so we get the recurring Dirty Dining segment. Steve Stanich, owner of former Dirty Dining "honoree" Stanich's West, got some face time to complain about the health department fining him for not having bleach automatically added to the water in his dishwashers. He says his staff added the bleach by hand but the heath inspector guy said that that isn't good enough and is in violation of the law. In your face, Steve Stanich! I'm guessing that the backstory here is that Stanich (or his lawyer) complained about being featured on the Dirty Dining segment and this was the station's way of making nice-nice with him. Just a guess, however.

Break.

Next, we were reminded that the Fourth of July is coming up. We should only buy fireworks from an approved fireworks stand in Oregon. Screw that! Only the wimpy, no kaboom, stuff is legal in Oregon. Real men want stuff that blows up good!

Western Wildfires: Gee, with a title like that, you'd think that the fires were in downtown Portland or something. Well, no. The story--brought to us by "KPTV's Nicole Frites" who apparently is under the misapprehension that she works for a CBS affiliate, judging from the polo shirt she wore with "News 5" and a CBS eye logo on it--came to us live from Cave Creek, Arizona.

Speaking of wildfires, there are some in the Golden State too. 3000 acres and 6 homes have been destroyed so far by the Paradise Fire.

Weather. Break.

And now the moment I have my wife keep my feeding tube in, The Final Cut.

*A shooting was Caught On Tape at a gas station in Michigan!

*Were the police too rough in a car stop in North Carolina? One of the cops kicked the alleged perpetrator four times.

*That clown who hit the convenience store worker with a fire extinguisher in the course of a robbery in North Carolina was arrested.

*Some clever crooks put a fake deposit box by an ATM they disabled in a mall in Natick, Massachusetts.

*3 young boys are missing in Camden, New Jersey (which, we were told, is sometimes referred to as "America's Most Dangerous City." Funny, I don't remember seeing that on the "Welcome to Camden" signs.)

*Speaking of missing white people (the only kind that gets any attention in the world of TV news), the father of one of the suspects in the Natalee Holloway case has been arrested. Aruban officials aren't saying why they've arrested him.

*"Rip," a trained search dog, has been sent to Aruba to help in the hunt for Natalee.

*A monkey was stolen in Miami, Florida.

*There's an invasion of mayflies in Peoria, Illinois.

*Some guy with strong floors turned in 10,000 POUNDS of pennies in Alabama.

*We learned about a device invented by a dentist that allegedly makes migraine headaches go away. It pumps cold water through hoses that press against the gums above the upper molars which is where a nerve responsible for causing migraines is located. It may be effective but it looked a little unwieldy.

*A new, faster cell phone service is now in operation in the Portland area.

Uh oh, Breaking News again. Lifeflight has been dispatched to the scene of the plane crash in Yamhill. Still no sign of that reporter we've been told is on the way to the scene though. Stuck in traffic at 10:46 PM?

Meth Watch again. Jamie Wilson is in the KPTV "news" van for no apparent reason to tell us about a seminar some local landlords attended to teach them what to watch out for in relation to meth labs.

Hollywood Buzz

*Actor Chris Tucker was chased by the police as he drove his Bentley at 109 MPH back in April. The police video of the chase has just been released so we got to see it. Nothing too thrilling here--he pulled over, was handcuffed by the cop and taken away. This story, probably the longest in the entire "news" cast tonight, was brought to us by "KPTV's Erich Spivey." Didn't I say something yesterday about how the longest story in the show is almost invariably also the least important?

*Royal welfare cheat Prince William graduated from St. Andrew's College. The British stalkerazzi had a gentlemen's agreement not to harass William until after he got out of college, so you can expect to see a lot more about this drain on the British economy in the months ahead.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Senator Ted Kennedy called for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to resign.

*The Supreme Court ruled that municipalities can use eminent domain to take away your home for private commercial projects they consider to be "in the public interest."

*One of China’s largest state-controlled oil companies made a $18.5 billion unsolicited bid Thursday for Unocal, the first big takeover battle by a Chinese company for an American corporation.

*Presidential advisor Karl Rove implied in a speech that liberals enjoy it when American troops die in Iraq, setting off a firestorm of critical response.

You did get that breaking "stolen monkey" story and the video of Chris Tucker's high speed chase though, so quit your bitching!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Crap Ho! [imagine a pirate peering through a telescope, shouting that at the top of his lungs for the proper effect]

Top Story...oh wait! It's that stupid fake "Breaking News" trick yet again! What is it this time?

Scott Spansel, the missing 15 year-old boy, has been found dead in a park in Salem. Yes, that's an important story. In fact, it's so important that it shouldn't be subjected to KPTV's phony Breaking News bullshit. They already had a reporter on the scene, so why not just lead the damn show with the story, instead of pretending that you were going to start with something else, but just had to go to this "breaking story?"

Anyway, back to the "Top Story." The little boy who was abandoned at a church the other day is still sans parents. Apparently, his Dad just recently found out that he isn't the boy's real father. Oh, this family sounds like a real bunch of winners! Part One of this story was brought to us by "KPTV's Lili Jang" [sp?]

Part Two was about the kid's mom who used to live in Newport, Oregon. Jim Hyde illustrated his point that she had a "rocky life" by using--get ready!--a ROCK as his on-camera prop! I'm am so not kidding! Really, Jim, is this how you envisioned spending your golden years, holding a friggin' ROCK on camera??

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight was an alleged serial child abuser named Andres Olmedo. We got tonight's "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment in this story. How many nights in a row have we had one of those now? For a while there, they kind of backed off this crap, but it's back now with a vengeance.

Andrew Feeney is an ID thief? Yes, according to Glenn Haddick who has been dealing with Feeney's shenanigans for 16 years now. It's screwed up his credit and his job prospects, according to him.

Meth Watch. There was a meth bust in Longview, Washington. Eh.

The pharmaceutical companies are coming out with new cold meds to thwart the losers who make meth out of the pseudoephedrine versions.

Hey, remember that local teen who travelled to Portland, Maine and died in a car crash? KPTV says she's still dead. We got another story about her with absolutely ZERO new information about the story in it. Exploitation? Gee, you think so?

Break.

[cue organ music] Will Portland outlaw boots on cars? Uh, maybe. Seems some of the local towing companies might be a wee bit aggressive in their tactics and some people are pissed.

There was a "SWAT standoff" in Vancouver, Washington. The cops were acting on a Federal warrant. When they crashed the house, they found their man hiding in a crawl space. "No one expects the Vancouver SWAT Team!"

A Camaro and an Escalade had a disagreement of the vehicular kind on a highway in Gresham. The road was all messed up for a while.

You shouldn't call 911 for stupid crap. The local authorities would like you to become acquainted with the non-emergency number. They have instituted a "Know your non-number" campaign. Yes, really.

Public transportation in the Portland area should improve immensely soon; the Feds have released a heaping helping of money for that purpose. And you just know that it will all go directly to improving the system. 'Cause money like that is never skimmed or used for other purposes. Right.

Will there be an increase in the tax on cigarettes in Oregon? Could be. That will definitely stop people from smoking, like every other time they've raised the tax on cigarettes. That's why there is now a negative number of smokers.

A hot air balloon clipped a tree in Aurora and fortunately for recreational viewers of tabloid journalism, someone had a camcorder and caught it on tape.

The World Forestry Center is set to reopen.
Important points:
*I didn't know there was a World Forestry Center.
*I didn't know it was closed.
*I have no idea what the World Forestry Center is.

Break.

War On Terror

*A study of the World Trade Center collapse determined that future skyscrapers should be built differently. How about building them with a big hole in the center that a plane could fly through?

*A mock terror drill was held in Helena, Montana. Hilarity ensued.

Fight For Iraq

*The military says that Operation Spear is a success. Gee, and I thought they'd say that it was a huge failure. In the history of the American military, has any "operation" ever been described as a failure? I think George Custer's last words were, "Well, that went well!"

Break.

The auto industry says you can expect safer SUV's in the near future. Uh, how about cars that people can afford to drive?

United Airlines is apparently the designated "front man" for raising prices. Tickets are going up by 3% because of rising fuel costs. Expect the other airlines to follow suit. Actually, that doesn't seem that unreasonable to me.

Next we got one of those kiss-industry-ass stories that KPTV eats up like Hershey's Kisses. This one was about how eBay is setting up a deal that will let you bid on stuff and monitor your auctions on your TV screen--providing that your cable provider implements the service, that is. This vital story was brought to you by "KPTV's Tom Vecar." [sp?]

Nike announced that it supports civil unions and benefits for its gay employees. A big company like that making such an announcement may make a difference when this kind of thing comes up before the state legislature. We shall see.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*There was a car chase on what appeared to be Hollywood Boulevard in L.A.

*A drunken pilot landed his plane at the airport in White Plains, New York.

*Another toddler took a big spill. This little guy fell 30 feet in Sylmar, California.

*Since we've already heard about the lost scout who was found near Salt Lake City, this story served absolutely no purpose but here it was.

America Tonight (which differs in some way I can't figure out from News Across America, apparently):

*A large section of Mother Earth slid in Colorado. Big hole. Big.

*A large crack opened up in Mother Earth in Claude, Texas. Big crack. Big.

*There are wildfires in a national park in Arizona.

*Snapple thought they were going to unveil a huge Popsicle made of their new flavor in Manhattan, but it kind of melted on the way over from New Jersey and made a huge mess in the streets. Somebody's getting fired!

*A 3-legged baby was born in Detroit. In the old days, the child would have a promising career waiting for her in the carnival business.

*The cops arrested a guy in Massachusetts for not returning some adult videos he rented back in 1989. He pointed out, rationally, I thought, that the cops should have better things to do with their time.

*The Republican governor of Texas was caught on tape saying, "Adios, mofo." The reason for this is kind of obscure. According to one version of the story that I've read (who says I don't research this blog?), he was quoting a reporter he had just spoken to but added the "mofo" reference. Since the gov is a born-again Christian, his explanation that he didn't realize he was on camera is a little odd. I mean, is he admitting that he speaks that way when he isn't on camera?

*The Chicago cops want to put men arrested for allegedly patronizing prostitutes on a Website O' Shame (my description). The ubiquitous unnamed "civil libertarians" correctly pointed out that since these men haven't yet been convicted of anything, this is harrassment. The mayor, who didn't look to me like he should wait by his mailbox for his Mensa Society membership form, said (in effect), "Tough noogies."

There's that "Breaking News" graphic again. Hey, you're cutting into my "'news' about crap that makes my head hurt" time! The cops say that the death of that kid in the park in Salem appears to have been accidental. An autopsy will be carried out Thursday. Does anyone really think that this piece of information just became available and couldn't have been given to us earlier in the show?

Back to the Shitstorm, remember the cougar sighting from the other day? Well, the small boy who lived where the cat showed up was shown on camera, talking about the experience. Thanks, KPTV, that was vital to my existence.

Ah, here's one of those stories for which KPTV is rightly famous. Know those sample cosmetics in department stores? Well, they have cooties on them. OK, the "proper" "scientific" name is "bacteria," but those are like little, microscopic cooties, right? Some even have E-coli on 'em. According to the Science Lady we saw in this story, that probably means that the person who used the lipstick before you has bad toilet habits. You fill in the blank here.

Hollywood Buzz

*The bassist for the band Soul Asylum died. Last Friday. Had there been a KPTV back in 1941, they would have reported the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 12th.

*Some loser who was stalking Mel Gibson and wanted to pray with him was sentenced to jail. You got something against sharing the love of Christ, Mel??

*Finally, Leo DiCaprio is pressing charges against the stupid girl who hit him with a bottle at a party over the weekend, causing Leo to have to get some stitches. Expect her to get a six-figure book deal any day now.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*The Pentagon is assembling a database of information about all 16-to-18-year-olds and all college students in America. The new database will include personal information including birth dates, Social Security numbers, e-mail addresses, grade-point averages, ethnicity and what subjects the students are studying. Some suspicious people (like me) think that this is the prelude to a draft but they say they need the info for recruitment. Uh huh.

*The House of Representatives passed an anti-flag burning amendment. Gee, you'd think this is the kind of story they'd jump on, wouldn't you?

*As of today, new federal regulations require all porn sites to have information about every person depicted in any photos that show sexual activity. Good luck keeping those records!

*In the face of public disapproval, the Republicans are altering their plan for "fixing" Social Security, although it looks as if they still want to sneak in the "private account" thing.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

CrapFest 2005 continues nightly on KPTV. Let's take a look at tonight's episode, shall we?

Top Story: Wait! There's that Breaking News thing again. Oh, what is it this time, Mr. Breaking News? There was a car accident on Route 26. Oh, I thought maybe the war was over or something. Nope, just a dopey car accident.

Back to the Top Story. Beating On The Max. Yup, a guy got beat up on the light rail line in Portland. Well, it was Caught On Camera and all. Uh, wait, what's this small detail? Oh, the beating happened LAST SATURDAY NIGHT! What's today? Tuesday. At what point does something cease to be "news" anymore? No, smartass, the answer is not "When KPTV reports on it." Although now that I think about it...

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight was Sandra Duncan. Is that the Sandy Duncan who was a perky although blind in one eye actress who reached her peak in the 70's? Nope.

A rape is being investigated in Corvallis. We got tonight's "You don't expect that in this neighborhood" type comment in this story. Yay for parocrialism. When I'm President, gated communities for everyone!

There's a sex offender in Cowlitz County. No, he isn't wanted for anything; KPTV just thought you'd want to know. You know, so you could feel hopelessly surrounded by criminals. Was this the same guy they warned us about last week? Could be. How many sex offenders could there be in friggin' Cowlitz County?

A teacher is in trouble for alleged ownership of kiddy porn. Uh, is this the same teacher/alleged kiddy porn fancier they told us about before? Could be. Why, it's almost as if KPTV recycles criminals, alleged and otherwise, when they don't have fresh crap to terrify their audience with.

The father of a missing teen got into trouble for allegedly assaulting someone. Is he living in Cowlitz County, I wonder.

Lake Oswego cops are investigating allegations of hazing. Some high school girls are accused of abusing some freshmen. They supposedly duct taped the kids to a tree. "Reporter" Hillary Hutchison (whose part is back on the left side of her head again, by the way) showed us a short clip from the movie "Dazed and Confused" featuring hazing as part of this vital story. Yes, a Hollywood movie as part of a news story! Didn't there used to be a divide between reality and fantasy? I know, I know, I'm so Twentieth Century!

A robbery is being investigated somewhere by someone. You want details? Hey, I was trying to eat Jell-O, Pal! YOU write while eating Jell-O.

There was a jewel heist yesterday in Tigard. Any connection to the jewel heist the other day? Who knows? That would require actual investigation! Sheesh, you think this is a NEWS show or something?

The family of Kendra James, who was shot by the Portland police in what some people think was an over-reaction, is suing for $10 million for violating her civil rights.

A youth pastor plead guilty to molesting 3 kids. Buh-bye, Church Boy.

A man missing for several days was found near Beaverton.

Break.

Next we got a tear-jerker of a story about the mother of a girl who died in a car crash the other day. She's on a crusade to stop teen drunk driving. This story was an excuse to talk about the death of a young person, something that tabloid "journalism" just LOVES to exploit.

An SUV crashed near Ontario, all the way across Oregon, next to the Idaho border. The kids inside, who didn't have their seat belts on, died. The father, who was wearing his belt, survived. I'd put a suicide watch on this guy; his guilt for not having the kids belted is going to get to him.

A truck turned over and spilled lumber all over the road. Bad. Good helicopter footage though.

A 15-year-old was found guilty in a manslaughter at a skate park. That's it--time to ban skateboards!

Lucky Cat. He/she got zapped by some power lines and fell to the ground but is alive. Sell that cat on eBay, pronto! Any way you can make it look like Jesus?

Northwest Tonight

*"KPTV's Keli McAllister" who still looks pretty Asian to me, told us about the toddler abandoned at a church in Parkland, Washington.

*The schools in Klamath are cutting 19 jobs because of budget cuts. Oh, there'll be no new books for the kids in September, either. Do kids really need to know about anything that happened after V-J Day??

Break.

Wireless Security Problems "KPTV's Daniel Cyberg" gave us this story about how using wireless technology on your computer could open you up to people spying on you. In other words, it told you what any sentient being who knows anything about Wi-Fi already knew.

Break.

Since we seem to be on a "computer problems" kick, we next got a story about how turning off your computer can save you money on electricity. Wow, I had NO idea that turning off an electrical device would mean that the device would cease drawing current, none at all! Jesus H. Christ, they really do think their viewers are stupid, don't they?

Next, we found out that we should service our air conditioners twice a year because that could save us $200-$300 a year on electricity. No mention, of course, about how much the service calls would cost. I suspect the cost of the service would completely offset the savings in electricity, if not exceed it, but that's just me.

Anchorwoman Shauna Parsons MC'd some award thingie for local construction projects. Well, isn't that nice for her?

Weather. Break.

Ah, the Final Cut, "everything you need to know":

*A missing scout was found unhurt. Damn, you just know they were counting on this kid to replace Natalee Holloway if and when she's found, dead or alive. Story courtesy of "KPTV's Alicia Acuna." I don't know how to put a tilde over the "n" in her name, sorry.

*Some flaming asshole hit a store clerk in the face with a fire extinguisher so he could rob the cash register. The whole thing was Caught On Camera, as they like to say at KPTV.

*An inmate in an Indiana jail broke his own arm so he could claim abuse. The stupid asshole didn't realize the funny-looking thing in the corner of the cell was a camera, apparently.

*There was a road rage arrest in Mississippi.

*The "Mississippi Burning" racist was convicted of manslaughter in, guess where, Mississippi. He's 80 years old, so giving him a 15 year sentence seems a wee bit optimistic, I think. Although, as the prophet Billy Joel told us, only the good die young.

*A baby fell 4 stories out a window in Hawaii. The parents expressed their relief. Um, you know what would have been even better than the kid surviving the fall? If he had parents who paid attention to their child bouncing up and down on the bed so that he wouldn't fly out the window in the first place!

*A street sweeper trapped a driver underneath it in Milwaukee. Note to KPTV "news" staff: That's the Milwaukee in Wisconsin, not the Milwaukie in Oregon!

*A semi loaded with explosives overturned on a highway in Ohio.

*An old Studebaker warehouse burned up in Detroit.

*A local guy's wife was the victim of ID theft. The guy has the goods on the miscreant but the cops haven't done anything about it. They say he didn't suffer enough loss for them to spend the time to deal with the crime. See what happens when you automatically say "No" to any tax increases, folks?

*Some dentist named Rosen has developed anti-cavity candy. It's witchcraft, I say! Witchcraft!

*Next was a total piece of PR bullshit about a cell phone that "helps weight loss." All the thing does it tell you approximately how many calories you've burned when you input the kind of physical activity you've engaged in and how long you engaged in it. Big friggin' deal! "KPTV's Anne Craig" brought us this story. Sure, she said she was "Anne Craig, New York," which probably meas that she works for either WNYW or Fox News Channel, but in some unspecified, vague way, she's close to KPTV's heart. Like that "Wolf Blitzer" guy.

Hollywood Buzz

*Paris Hilton's mother, Kathy, has managed to wangle herself a reality show deal. This thing is doomed to redefine "sucks majorly." I give it six weeks, tops.

*Billy Corgan, singer for the now-defunct Smashing Pumpkins, wants to reunite the band, although he wouldn't say if the new band would include any members of the old band. Um, how would a band made up of totally different people constitute a "reunion?"

Jackson Scandal (tonight part of Hollywood Buzz)

Tabloid "reporter" Diane Dimond is doing a book on the Jackson trial--or something. Yeah, me too. Hey, why not? I watched some of it on TV. That pretty much makes me an expert, right?

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Downing Street Memo? What's Downing Street? What's a "memo?"

*Majority Leader Bill Frist did a flip-flop on wanting an "up or down" vote on John Bolton, Bush's controversial nominee for U.N. Ambassador. First he said he'd given up on one, then, two hours later, changed his mind.

*French scientists say they have proven that the Shroud of Turin--you know, the same Shroud of Turin KPTV devoted much air time to a few weeks back--is a medieval-era fraud.

*Hey, no Fight For Iraq or War On Terror tonight? 'Sup wit' dat?

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Yeah, I took yesterday off. Dinner got a late start and it ain't easy taking notes on KPTV's 10 o'clock "news" show when you have both hands, let alone doing it with one hand while you try to eat with the other. Hey, I give, I give and I give to you people. Don't I deserve the occasional night off? Anyhoo, here's the skinny on tonight's debacle:

Top Story: A guy is dead after trying to help four women who got dumped from their boat in the Clackamas. Kind of a shame.

"Storm Team 12," in the guise of regular Weather Weasel Mark Nelson, showed up early to tell us the reasons for the wacky thunderstorms the Portland area experienced on Sunday. There was even hail in spots East of Portland. Power went out for about 4000 customers.

Ah, the old "fix your driveway cheap" scam is being pulled on some senior citizens in Washington County. For some reason, this piece didn't feature the actual scamee, but some oldsters who happen to live nearby. They were, as you might guess, upset about the crime happening right there in their very own neighborhood!

That King City cop accused of child molestation is going to get his day in court soon. Yup, it's the old "we don't have any new scary crime to tell you about but we still want to make you think crime is rampant so we'll just do another story about something we've already told you about even though we don't have any new details" ploy. Yes, that's the actual technical name.

Some nitwits went to a car dealership, asked for a test drive, headed out with the salesman in the car alongside them, then made him get out and stole the car.

A nurse already in jail in Texas is the suspect in some Oregon deaths.

A teacher in Tigard was killed on his bike on Saturday. Uh, where was this story on SATURDAY NIGHT??

A man from Eugene, apparently having an argument with his significant other, drove off a cliff south of Newport.

Northwest tonight

*The Prime Minister of Vietnam is visiting the Northwest currently. This marks the first time a Viet P.M. has made an official visit to the U.S. since the unpleastantness between the two countries. You may have heard about that; it was in all the papers.

*Something mysterious is killing birds in Yakima. They look healthy but they die suddenly.

Break.

America Tonight. Question: How does this segment differ from News Across America?

*"KPTV's Julie Banderas" was in Aruba to tell us about the ongoing Natalee Holloway case. You know Natalee Holloway; she is the subject of the current attractive young blond woman missing person case. 4 young men have been arrested in connection with the disappearance but no one has been charged with anything yet.

OK, I have to tell you a few things about Julie "Banderas." First off, she doesn't work for KPTV, although you probably figured that out. She works for Fox News Channel. Second, her real last name is Bidwell, not Banderas; she seems to have changed it to her mother's maiden name to sound Hispanic. Third, I had a little encounter with her two years ago when I went to New York (my home town) to perpetrate a media hoax in which I pretended to be a minister who runs a church specifically for smokers; it was a satire on New York Mayor Bloomberg's ban on smoking in restaurants and bars. Julie Bidwell/Banderas took the bait and did a story about me which ran on her then-employer Channel 5, WNYW's 10 o'clock "news" show.

Oh, not too long after my little scam on her, Ms. Bidwell/Banderas got canned by Channel 5 for having simulated sex with her cameraman in their news van. She got hired soon after by Fox News Channel. Keep that in mind the next time you see someone on FNC go on a rant about "family values" or the like.

*There's a missing scout in Utah. He may have been kidnapped.

*A plane crashed in Florida. The pilot is dead.

*There was an accident involving the log flume ride on the Steel Pier in Atlantic City. The current Steel Pier is, by the way, a very pale successor to the old Steel Pier which burned down years ago.

*Lightning hit a house in Florida and caused a fire. Yeah, lightning'll do that.

*Next was a fairly complicated story about a woman who lives in a house on National Park Service property. The Park Service wants to kick her out despite a deal she signed with them way back when. This is in Colorado.

*People in Iowa City, Iowa made a giant pizza, although none of them apparently thought to inform the Guinness book people. Duh.

*The annual Hollerin' Contest in Spivey's Corner, North Carolina got the obligatory coverage.

Break.

Fight For Iraq

*A suicide bomber in Baghdad blew up a restaurant, killing dozens of people along with himself. What was that about the insurgency being in its "death throes," Vice-President Cheney?

*An Iraqi reporter was shot in the neck. Yup, it's just a matter of time before they run out of people to kill. Then we will have won!

War On Terror

*American troops shot off some rockets, killing "20 terrorists." Uh, pardon me for asking a question here, but how can they possibly know that they were all terrorists?? You know, since they were blown up by remote control and all, I mean.

*The Department of Homeland Security is looking for people to adopt puppies that will eventually be trained to be bomb-sniffing dogs. I love a feel-good angle on a terrorism-related story, don't you?

Break.

The state of Oregon is going to spend mucho dinero on new amenities for Crater Lake, including a new visitors' center, etc. Yes folks, a big hole in the ground is the Number One tourist attraction in the entire state!

The 10th annual Gay Pride Parade was held in Portland today. It's supposed to be the third largest parade in Oregon but the camera angles seemed to have been chosen to hide the absence of people along the parade route. No, I'm not crying "liberal bias" or any crap like that.

A little girl needs a transplant of some kind. This was your standard "lump in the throat" story. See, if we had universal health care, we wouldn't have stories like that, reason enough to be for it.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut

*First we got a story about some "High Tech Home Inspections" nonsense. Apparently, you can hire a guy to come in with an infrared camera to show you where the studs in your walls are. I think I've seen a tool in the local hardware store that costs about $20 that'll accomplish the same thing, but hey, this was High Tech! High Tech is always better.

*Remember that security screw-up involving Mastercard holders from the other day? Well, it's no big deal, according to the spokesman for the vendor that caused it, because it "only" involves 68,000 cardholders.

*"High Tech" seems to be the Mystery Phrase tonight. The next story was about a "High Tech Gold Rush" in California. Some guy with a financial interest in the Idaho-Maryland mine told us that there is a lot of gold still in there (what would you expect him to say?) They're planning on reopening the mine. Don't wait, get in line NOW, suckers! By the way, this story was "reported" by "KPTV's Claudia Cowan."

It's Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes night in the Hollywood Buzz

*We saw pictures of the virgin and the hearthrob in London at the premiere of one of their new movies (do the details really matter here?)

*Some guys thrust a fake microphone at Cruise and squirted him with water. Oh, what a wacky prank!

*Holmes' Batman Begins is Number One at the box office.

Back to non-Cruise-related "news," we found out that a grapefruit smell on women makes men estimate their age as younger than it actually is. Ain't science grand!

Pump Patrol

Uh, gas is a little more expensive in the Portland area at the moment than it is in the rest of the country.

Speaking of gas, we got a long story about a guy who has converted his Volkswagen Beetle to run on cooking oil. The conversion only works on diesel engines and costs about $1500. He gets his oil from a Chinese restaurant. So there's that.

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Oil hit $59/barrel for the first time ever. Nah, this isn't important or anything. By the way, didn't our "allies," the Saudis, promise to step up production to lower prices?

*Shouldn't the "Fight For Iraq" segment include something about how no clear winner has emerged in Iran’s presidential election and an unprecedented run-off vote will take place next Friday?

*The European Union summit meeting collapsed in chaos. Nothing to see there, keep moving.

Friday, June 17, 2005

TGIF! It's the weekend, beyotches! In celebration, KPTV "anchor/reporter" Hillary Hutchison moved her part to the right side of her head.

Top Story: New High. Some Washington County kids wanted to celebrate graduating from high school. And what better way than to get high with beer and--Jesus H. Christ!--methadone. What is wrong with kids today? Why can't they get high the old-fashioned way, by huffing cleaning fluid soaked into a rag inside a paper bag, like my friends in the Bronx used to do back in the 70's? Anyway, one of these future brain donors is now in the hospital. Go figure.

Fox 12's Most Wanted tonight is Gregory Smith. He hasn't checked in with his P.O. recently. Bad Gregory, bad.

Jacob McGhee is the suspect in a house break-in (gee, not a "home invasion"?) and assault. Bad, Jacob, bad (allegedly).

4 suspects got themselves caught robbing a car in front of a police precinct. Duh.

The fill-in weather weasel (although I'm starting to wonder if the regular w.w. has left the station) made an early cameo to "explain" the storms that appeared in the Portland area on Friday. You know, the ones he failed to predict yesterday.

Thieves are stealing expensive construction equipment in the Tigard area. Since some of the stuff includes 500-pound welding machines, the cops have deduced that there are at least a few thieves and that they have trailers or trucks. And people make a fuss about that Sherlock Holmes guy!

"Bizarre arrest": An Asian guy was busted for selling bear paws and gall bladders. It's an Asian thing, you wouldn't understand.

Somebody got killed and there's a reward available for information about the perpetrator. Hey, I just can't write fast enough, even using abbreviations, to keep up with KPTV's fast pace. I'm Old Skool.

Meth Watch. There was a community meeting about the allegedly growing problem of meth use. One black guy at the meeting said that he thought meth got more attention than crack because meth is used mostly by white people while crack was a "black drug." I believe that the demos he cited are accurate, although I couldn't swear that that was the reason meth is getting all the "face time" on TV.

Break.

Hey, here's that I-Team we haven't heard from since the last Sweeps Weeks, even though it appears to currently consist entirely of Kerri Tomlinson. Kerri was in the newsroom tonight to tell us about how Mastercard has fucked up, allowing a virus to gather information on 40 million of their users. A data collection company working for Mastercard is to blame. It didn't look to me like there was any particular "investigative" work on the part of KPTV in this story as it's been circulating all over the journo-sphere (I just coined that word, by the way).

Vancouver, Washington residents rejoice! Your crime rate is down! Except for murder.

Cops pulled some numbnuts over on a routine traffic stop (tail light out) and lo and behold, they find PIPE BOMBS in his car! Buh-bye, you Timothy McVeigh wanna-be.

That fire in a Canby church the other day has been determined to have been caused by a "developmentally-challenged" (retarded) boy.

Speaking of handicapped kids, 4 year-old Brandon is still missing his special wheelchair, although the cops found his family's car. Nah, we don't need universal health care in this country. It's MUCH more efficient to have friggin' bake sales to raise the money for stuff like this.

Hey, remember Ed Boss, the miscreant who was hiding out in the woods? It was a 911 call that nabbed his sorry ass. A woman spotted him and recognized him from the news; she dropped a dime on him and that was that. Who's The Boss now, huh, Ed?

Northwest Tonight

*Wildfire in Hanford!

*Yet another story about the grandfather who allegedly molested his 3 year-old granddaughter. Like I've said before, one of the ways they make you think that crime is out of control is by doing repetitive stories about the same criminals over and over.

*A two-faced kitten was born in Roseburg! Yes, that qualifies as Northwest News. *sigh*

Break.

Scientists believe they have found the gene that triggers the onset of puberty in adolescents. This could ultimately lead to medicines to help kids experiencing early or late puberty.

Break.

The Ford Motor Company is offering incentives to present and former employees to get their family and friends to buy a car.

"KPTV's Rachel Lee" [sp?] brought us a story about this week's earthquakes in California. Bottom line here: experts can't really predict where an earthquake may strike next or how serious it might be. Thanks for the heads-up.

The start of Tigard's Festival of Balloons got off to a slow start because of the rain. It continues over the weekend.

The annual Festival of Flowers in downtown Portland is coming later this month.

Weather. Break.

Final Cut, incorporating News Across America tonight (speaking of things you can't predict). Was there a countdown clock tonight? Why, yes, there was!

*"KPTV's J.P. Hervis" gave us a story about a jewelry store owner and his nephew who kicked the living shit out of a guy who tried to rob the store.

*One of the Goodyear blimps crashed in Coral Gables, Florida. Nice pictures. Only problem is, this happened days ago. Sheesh, can't they even do TIMELY tabloid journalism??

*The 2nd helicopter crash in a week occurred in New York City.

*There was a car chase in Fontana, California. Yawn.

*One of the "persons of interest" in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway was questioned by the police in Aruba.

*Some cheerleaders in Texas are in trouble for using human feces as a topping on a pizza sent to their rivals. Gimme an "S." Gimme an "H." You get the idea.

*A young girl in Wisconsin was set on fire as an amusing party gag. The pyro was 11 years old.

*A mother was arrested for leaving her kids home alone in an apartment with open windows in New York.

*Some guy claims to have found $100 million in gold bullion in the desert in Utah. Mr. Stupid left the booty sitting there for a while before claiming it. Oddly, some people don't buy his story.

*The Search For Brooke (Wilberger): As if to prove that missing white girls get all the airtime, America's Most Wanted is doing yet another story on her this weekend (a couple of days ago, USA Today did a story about how minorities who go missing get nowhere near as much news coverage as white girls). David Frietas (have I been misspelling his name all this time?) gave us this essential story/cross-promotion.

*There are National Science Awards being held in Portland this weekend. The awards are for water-related projects. Yeah, I didn't quite understand it either.

*Bo Who Gives A Fuck?, the American Idol runner-up this year, says he's happy he didn't come in first as it would have cramped his style. John Kerry says the same thing.

Hollywood Buzz

*Tom Cruise adopted Katie Holmes at the Eiffel Tower on Friday. Oh, wait, he proposed to her! Damn, that's a long way to go for a publicity stunt. This story was brought to us by "KPTV's John Litz" [sp?]

WHAT KPTV DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT TONIGHT (a sampling):

*Still nothing about the letter from Congressman John Conyers asking President Bush to respond to the Downing Street Memo which was signed by over 500,000 Americans (including me).

*Nothing about gasoline being $58.60/barrel.

*NOTHING about the American military lauching Operation Spear near the Syrian border. Think we'll just sort-of ooze across the border? If you get all or most of your news information from KPTV, you may not hear about it. Hey, a puppy fell down a hole! They have to cover the important stuff!

*Congress voted to halve U.N. spending. Nothing to see here, move along.

*Florida governor Jeb Bush is still hassling Michael Schiavo, even though we now have the autopsy results, which show that she was not abused.

*Former Tyco executives Dennis Kozlowski and Mark Swartz were found guilty of grand larceny, conspiracy, securities fraud and falsifying business records. Numbers of words on the KPTV 10 o'clock "news" show about this: 0